It is the middle of the night and I am up once again with a cranky baby. Two hours have gone by. I have nursed her, changed her, burped her, changed her, burped her, swaddled her, burped her, shushed her and broken into tears as I lay her down and she once again will not let her exhausted little body give in to sleep. It is in these moments that I tell myself I can’t wait until this phase is over. I know that down the road she will sleep, but the minutes tick by like agony.
I wake up late thanks to A.P. who is sweet enough to take morning duty with the munchkins so I can snooze. I am grumpy and discouraged, wondering when this grueling phase of Baby Zar’s life will meld into a more restful and peaceful phase for all of us. Crying out to Jesus these days is (sadly) the farthest thing from my weak and tired and mind. I read Jesus Calling as I eat cereal and it was obviously written for me for today:
Jesus Calling June 27
Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded with uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.
I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all of your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.
In my exhaustion, I have desperately wished that this time would fly by. But how selfish and shortsided of me! To wish away the beautiful middle of the night moments when my daughter snuggles in to nurse, when she looks up at me with trusting eyes and studies my face, those moments that remind me of the sacred responsibility that is mine. And even worse, to question God’s perfect plan and presence that is evident in this stage of life. Yes, it is cripplingly exhausting, but such a gift.
Life is never certain and (as morbid as it sounds) I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or how much time I will have with this precious girl. How selfish of me to take for granted the times that she graces my presence. Time marches on, but I want to enjoy every minute of it.