Sunday, September 30, 2012

Going To War

His bags sit packed by the door. He walks down with his uniform on. The trusty khaki pants he has worn for years are present once again. His usually brown sweater has been upgraded after much prodding and the new one looks just as good. He shugs into his khaki coat and picks up the bags.  I turn away as he walks to the door, trying to find something to busy myself with so I don’t think about the separation that inches closer with each passing second.  I pick up the baby and cover her in kisses.  She deserves more than usual today.  She laughed for her daddy for the first time this morning, something I had been begging her to do for weeks.  I was desperate for him to hear this before the distance between them grew. She obliged.  I cried and thanked Such a simple, but beautiful gift. 

The bags are in the car. A few last minute things and we are on the road.  We talk and laugh, savoring our moments together.  Before we know it, the airport is in sight and the sad lump in my stomach grows.  We walk in together and go through the motions…but only half go through the motions.  How many times have we travelled together and now one staying behind feels incomplete. 

My battle with my eyes is useless.  I am too tired, and too emotional and love this man too much to not cry.  He spends a few minutes wooing his daughther while I go to the bathroom to try to get ahold of myself….and prolong the goodbye that is just around the bend.  I come back out and find my way into his embrace as I have countless times before. I half jokingly tell him to stay.  He whispers words of love to my heart and I could stay wrapped up in him forever.  We kiss, and he wipes my tears and nods.  He turns to go and I do the same. 

We both look over our shoulders one last time as we reach the last point of visibility.  It is just a glance, (one we both knew we should’t take, but both knew we had to take), but it encapsulates so much; years and babies, and moves and tears and deep deep love.  The glance says it all and then he is gone. 

I find my way to the car and busy myself with nursing the sweet girl that lays in my arms.  The tears come and I let them fall freely. I silently repeat the mantra, “it’s only three weeks” but in my heart it feels like an eternity.

As much as my heart breaks in those moments, I am resolute that we are doing the right thing. I thank for the peace and clarity and passion that He has bestowed. I thank God for the unity of heart that He has given and for the call of Him on our lives. I think about our wedding bands and what we inscribed for each other: (mine) “Love with me” and (his) “may our hearts forever break as one”.

I thank that my man goes to fight with love and kindness, with transformation and the Spirit as opposed to weapons and force.

The battle rages on all sides; the enemy runs rampant and seeks to ruin.  We fight against fear and prejudice, against ignorance and intolerance. We gird ourselves with the Word and with prayer. 

There is too much at stake to chicken out and stay home. As much as I long for his arms to stay wrapped around me, I am desperate for him to be about the work of the Father even more. Restoration and transformation are too important. Children on both sides of the divide deserve peace and it won’t come if the chasm between them only continues to widen.

And so we fight. 

We fight against lies that are whispered – taunting that they aren’t people and have no value.  

We fight against fear that keeps people from seeking peace. 

We fight against the Enemy who keeps people trapped in his snare. 

We fight against poverty and hopelessness and despair by bringing water and soap and jobs and a glimmer of hope. 

We fight against the status quo by laying aside the American dream to step out on the water.  

We fight against the doubt that says we are bad parents for taking our kids there.  

We fight against the fear that we aren’t good enough to ever make a difference.  

We fight against the quicksand of fear and misunderstanding and intolerance 


We fight for and the beauty that His lifegiving Spirit brings. 

We fight for people. 

We fight for our kids- that they will grow up with eyes to see the world and hearts and respond to its’ deep needs.  

We fight for freedom and the Spirit of the Lord that brings it.  

We fight for justice – that redemption would be found.  

We fight for understanding - that the clash of lies would be quieted and true words would ring forth.  

We fight for joy – that it would be seen in us and through us.  

We fight for love – that its power would prevail. 

We fight for hope – because it is our only leg to stand on. 

And so I send him to war and peace reigns in my heart.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


Hello world! Let me just start by saying that I am not happy that I have become a person that blogs once a month. I so want to be doing this more often...but life happens.  Traveling, and little ones, and planning, and traveling, and life, and friends, and traveling, and cleaning, and traveling.  It wears a girl out! As much as I have wanted to post more (like I have a 3 1/2 month old daughter that I have written about only 2 times...sad) I just haven't sat down to do it.

It isn't that I haven't done a lot of sitting lately. Baby Zar would be happiest if I sat and rocked her all day. But it is hard to type one handed. And tackling a blog post in such a position was too daunting a task for me to take on.  That and the fact that I am tired these I usually get to the computer, all ready to write something brilliant and then I stare at it and get no further.

So, all that to say: don't give up on me (I will be back next month...just kidding!)  I really want to work on posting more often. It is good for me.

Like I said, things have been busy around here. We are finally done with all of our big traveling and settling back into somewhat of a routine.  The kids did fantastic with all of the travel.  Little t never missed a beat as we went to different chur.chs each week. He would skip right into Sunday School or the nursery and make new friends easily.  He is amazing and we adore him.  Baby Zar did well also. She isn't that great in the car (which made the trip to Wyoming and back really fun...) so that has been painful at times. I do feel like she is getting better and mellowing out, so that is a huge plus!

We had a fantastic time with my parents in Wyoming.  We enjoyed good food and time together.  The trees were changing colors and were so beautiful. The whole week we were there it was still and warm...the weather was perfect.  Little t and Baby Zar fought over the attention of my youngest brother, Tate.  They both adore him as well as my parents. It was a very very special time with them.

The beginning of September, we went to visit some college friends of ours who work in our part of the world.  It was great to connect with people who 'get' what it is like to live in a context like ours. All of the talk about where we work made us even more excited to go back.

We were also able to go to the Wisconsin Dells with A.P.'s mom's side of the family. Little t had a blast in the water and Baby Zar got in on a little water action as well.

These days, A.P. and Little t make the rounds in the combine and tractor as much as they can. Harvest is in full swing here in our area and Little t is in heaven. He goes from one thing to the next and begs each day to go to the farm.

We are busy gearing up for our return to M-ville.  A.P. leaves on Thursday and will be gone for 3 weeks. He will return to A-stan to attend meetings, check on his projects, and begin setting up our house.  Notice I said, A.P. will be going...meaning the rest of us will be here.  I have never done three weeks on my own with two kids before and am kinda nervous.  So, you can be thinking of us in the weeks to come.  I am most nervous about how Little t will handle his Daddy being gone.  They are pretty much inseparable when A.P. is home. I can imagine it won't go over too well when he finds out Dad isn't coming home for a while...especially when he learns that Dad went to M-ville on a plane. Little t asks most days if he can do that, so I think he is going to feel left out! But, we really do believe that this will be a good time.  It will be important that A.P. gets things accomplished before we all go over the beginning of November.

When I get stressed, I tend to purge things from my house.  The timing for this is perfect right now because next weekend is the City Wide (our 'city' if 150 people) Garage Sales here.  So, we will be having a garage sale.  It is actually good that A.P. is leaving because he puts a damper on my garage sale efforts.  My packrat husband goes through the piles I have set aside to sell and vetoes many of the things I try to get rid of.  "What? These pants you have had since junior high? You don't want to keep them?!?"  "No way! You can't get rid of that shirt that I told you was too girly for Little t to wear and and not girly enough for Baby Zar to wear!"  "I know Little t never played with that toy from Mc.Donalds, but what if he needs it some day!"   You think I am kidding...   Really though, there is much sorting and tossing going on around our house.   I keep telling myself that I need to get back in the third world mindset where I don't need a lot of stuff. I have been here too long and now think I need all of these fancy/nice things to survive.  I need to get back to reality.

One of the best things I have done in my adult life is to join and online Bib.le study/accountability group. It is women from all over the globe who keep each other accountable to do morning study and  This is the second phase I have done it and I love it.  Granted, I am not consistent every morning, but it has been so good to have that accountability and encouragement.  We are studying 1 Peter and it is SO good.  Usually I don't make it up before Baby Zar does (though that is my goal). Her super sensitive momma radar usually goes off when I even begin thinking about rolling out of bed.  So, we spend the quiet time together.  I read as I nurse her and then I read aloud to her.  I am encouraged by this as I feel like I have been a slacker in that department.  So often, I find myself at the end of the day saying, "I didn't pray with or for my kids enough today." "we should have read the Bib.le together as opposed another truck book."  Maybe you are surprised to hear that someone of my vocation isn't super spiritual like that.  It is one thing I really really desire to work teach my kids Truth in very intentional and focused ways each day.  Back to the study - I am growing a lot and excited to pass that on to my children.

Whew! This is long and I need to wrap it up! Stay tuned for some pictures of the cutest kids on the planet.  Thanks for reading and for your patience!