Oh Holy Night

This is the beautiful and incredibly challenging blog written by our friend Tara that I mentioned in my last post. It has me thinking these days I hope it will do the same for you. Basically all I need to say in response to this blog post is Amen.

To read more of Troy and Tara's good stuff, as well as learning about their amazing work in Haiti, go here: http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/

Every direction you turn, the images of Christmas can be found. You need not look far to find beautifully thought out displays, tastefully decorated homes with glowing trees, and rows and rows of symmetrical twinkling lights. Step into one of these homes and the warm fire will greet you as you breathe in fresh scents of pine, ginger, and cinnamon. It is beautiful and clean and pristine.

Looking upon these exquisite arrangements one senses order and peace.

O Holy Night.

In contrast I'm reflecting on the untidy disorder of the lives of so many celebrating Christmas around the world this year. They experience vastly different surroundings and a much more simplified version of the annual celebration of the Christ child. It looks nothing like the photos in the magazines and has not even the tiniest hint of Martha Stewart. They don't string lights around a tree or build gingerbread houses; yet meek and mild - they celebrate.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

How did our celebration of this day become so clean and crisp? Where are the smells and sweat and tears that were most certainly a part of Mary and Joseph's journey? It begs the question: Do 'Better Homes and Gardens' scenes with sparkling lights and gorgeous decorations reflect the Christmas story best? Are the experiences of a frightened and embarrassed teenage mother-to-be anything like that? Do the suffering in our world experience Christmas more like Mary and Joseph did - or do we?

A thrill of hope - the weary world rejoices.

I'm reflecting on these two extremes. I love the exquisitely ordered and the beautifully arranged. I picture that sort of beauty in our Heavenly home.

While yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

I long for a day when disparity and injustice ends and brothers and sisters from every continent celebrate Jesus and His birth surrounded by love, joy, dancing, singing and immeasurable peace and beauty.

Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Truthfully I also find great inspiration in the simple, dingy, humble celebrations of those who struggle and toil without access to our unstained images of Christmas. I long for their stripped down total dependence on God. I pray for spiritual wealth like that of the materially poor. I want a Christmas less like Oprah's and more like theirs.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother; And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Our youngest daughter Lydia has been struggling with choices lately. When offered a choice of two things she'll often reply, "I want two ones." When she says that, she means I want them both. As I soak in Christmas this year I find myself wanting two ones. I want the perfect looking, delicious smelling, pain free and unpolluted Christmas and I want the dirty, stinky, humble, difficult, but miraculous Christmas that Mary and Joseph and the poor experience.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, Let all within us praise His holy name.

While I attempt to reconcile two very different Christmases, the celebrations only make sense to me in the context of good overcoming evil. God coming to earth in the form of His son Jesus, to live a sinless life, to die for us ... In His resurrection the promise that one day there will be beauty and justice for all. The end of death. The end of suffering.

O Holy Night.

Christmas in M-ville

Here we are on Christmas Eve, washing laundry, taking naps, doing some last minute shopping, eating (way too many) Christmas goodies, and spending time with friends and family. Seems pretty normal, right? So far Christmas has been nice here in M-ville. Last night A and I finally got around to watching Elf as we drank hot chocolate and decorated our tree. We met with our team this morning for a service (Friday is Sabbath day here) where we sang carols, told the Christmas story, drank hot chocolate, had treats. Little t was convinced that everyone wanted to hear him play the piano and continued to try his hardest to give them their deepest desire. All of our teammates from Finland were dressed in their finest and they joked because those of us from the States (our family) were in jeans. We gave thanks for such a wonderful gift as a Savior and talked about what our lives given as gifts looks like.

Now, Little t is sleeping, A ran to the bazaar quickly, I am doing laundry and reflecting on the day. We will soon go eat lunch with our Finnish teammates (the well dressed ones) because the Eve of Christmas is their special day.

Tomorrow, we will have lunch provided by our friends who are Brits, exchange gifts, laugh lots and eat too much. We had our little family celebration before we came, so there won’t be a lot of gift exchanging here, but we did get Little t a new ball in the bazaar yesterday that will probably be wrapped up for him. We are just enjoying feeling a little more settled and warm in our house. We are thankful for my mom being here with us and the enormous amount of help she has been.

It isn’t easy to be away from family on this holiday and I don’t feel like over-spiritualizing it, but we are glad to be here. When we have internet again I will post a blog written by friends of ours who work in Haiti. Her challenging words have pierced my heart this season as I think about the depth and meaning of Christmas…how amazing, yet tragic to have a baby wrapped in rags and placed in a stall. Oddly, I find myself comparing life here to what it must have been like at the time of the Saviors entrance – dirty and dingy, dark and cold, so much hurt and desperation around him, yet he came with peace and hope and truth. We feel so honored to be a small flicker of light in such a dark part of the world. We find ourselves hoping and asking that the Father would be pleased with the part we play in brining peace on earth in this place.

Here We Go Again...

So, I am going to try this again…it seems like “life” has gotten the better of me for the most part and I just haven’t written on this blog like I would like to. But now that we are on the ground in M-ville (more on that later) I feel like I will need an outlet and want to be consistent with this. I so appreciate other friends from around the world who are good about blogging about life in their respected places because I feel like it is a huge part of advocacy for what is going on around the world and how the Father is working…and given where we are and what we are doing, the same voice needs to be ringing out from here as well…so here goes it.

The reality of this huge transition in our lives is finally beginning to set in. Even for the first few days in K-town I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we were back. Maybe because we were SO enjoying life and time with family and friends in the States that we didn’t really go through the period of restlessness before we came. Usually we get sick of where we are and become very excited about making it to our new location…but we were just having so much fun that it didn’t happen! Or maybe the fact that we were busy with little t turning a year old and obsessing about how he would adjust. When we were landing in K-town, A and I turned and looked at each other, my mom on one side, little t on the other and said to each other, “can you believe that this is really happening”?!?

It has been a long road back to this crazy land. A year mostly filled with HUGE transition to having a child (the most delightful little boy ever, I might add). It was also filled with big questions about where the Father was leading next, deep healing and restoration, great grief and loss (we lost 6 friends from our organization here – 4 of them young adults), and many questions and times of waiting to see what the Father had in store next. I feel like it was a year of quiet growth…feeling like we were being molded and shaped in faith and trust. It was a constant battle and discovery of what the Father wants for us…because part of us could have very easily settled down in our little house in the States and felt right at home…but we felt that we were being asked to do more. After our friends were killed, we immediately thought that we wouldn’t make it back here. But we came to the conclusion that we didn’t have peace about staying in the States…there would always be the nagging feeling of wondering how life would have been if we had gone back…because we didn’t have peace about staying.

So, here we are…A is hooking up the washing machine and a diaper sprayer, we have running water and electricity and a fridge. My mom and I made Christmas cookies today. Little t and I jumped on the trampoline. We have a great team and are beginning to get our feet wet again. The Christmas decorations sit in the corner…maybe we will get to them tomorrow…for now, I just marvel in the goodness of the Father. There are so many little ways that He has blessed us richly since returning. There have been hard and frustrating times so far and there will be plenty more, but the quiet peace has not left…and we bask in that.

On A Lighter Note

I really do want to use this blog often to talk about what is going on in our lives…not just the deep stuff, but the fun stuff as well…and most of the fun these days involves Tariq

~ He is so close to crawling…always popping up on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth…he has made a few little moves, but they aren’t really coordinated yet.

~ It is fun to see him interact with people…he is such a ham, smiling at everyone, talking, flirting. He LOVES his grandparents and it is fun to see them enjoy him so much.

~ Thankfully he has done MUCH better on our trip to Wyoming this time than last…he has been sleeping much better and is generally just in a better mood.

~ He is infatuated with Sage the dog (my parents’ dog). They spend a lot of time looking at each other and T just cracks up whenever Sage gets close.

In not so fun news…our car died on top of the high mountain pass getting here on Wednesday… we are talking engine dies while Andy was going 75 in the left lane passing a semi with a truck right behind us dies….thankfully he was able to get it off the road and a few minutes later it started up again and drove to my parents house…it has a date with the mechanic tomorrow morning and we are hoping it isn’t anything huge…especially hoping that that is the only minor catastrophe we have on this trip (each time we come, something crazy happens).

Very fun to be with my parents and Tate in these days…they are just great and we enjoy time with them. We will be here until Tuesday and then head down to Colorado Springs where we have meetings Tuesday afternoon/evening…really wishing we had more time to spend in the mountains, but we are strapped seeing as we have Wednesday and Thursday to drive to Missouri…and the trip just keeps going from there. Some day we will get to spend time in the mountains again. For now we are soaking up time with the family and loving it. Off to watch Tate play football and then see friends tonight!

Somewhere, Anywhere

“Somewhere, Anywhere” is the phrase that runs through my head a lot these days…I find myself envisioning a walk through the market in Bangkok complete with Pad Thai and mangoes and sticky rice off the street. I dream of soaking up some sun on a beach in India. I wish we were riding through the mountains of northern Luzon with great anticipation of mountain coffee in a small coffee house. I daydream about being back in Indo, visiting with friends. I long to be back in A-stan, walking the dusty streets, enjoying the contrasts of life that break my heart and make me fall in love with that place and people all over again. My heart wants to be “somewhere, anywhere” in these days.

We have had such a good time in the States and have loved every minute of it, but more and more I long to be pouring out, stretched, challenged by life in another place. And yet, we sit here with no idea what comes next. Part of me is okay with that – hanging on to the truth that God is in control and His timing is perfect. But another part of me wants to be doing something, anything to be making a difference. I am scared that I will get lazy and complacent. I am so thankful for the Spirit that continues to bring uncomfortable truth to mind – I can’t help but think often about the fact that so many in the world live on less than a dollar a day…sadly enough it usually doesn’t make me think twice about spending the dollar (or more). I can’t stop thinking about the simplicity and complexity of our life in other countries and I long for that. I don’t want to get complacent in this time.

I find it hard to fit in at times…in the middle of church or a conversation I want to say, “hey, don’t you realize what is going on in the world??? Do you care???” But then half of the time I don’t care enough to do anything myself (saving my dollar to feed someone instead of spending it myself). Also, I am being challenged with caring about those around me…I find myself thinking so much about people around the globe that I don’t look at the needs and the hurts right around me…am I reaching out to my neighbors (do I even know them???)? Do I know what people are struggling with? Do people feel like they can count on me to listen, love, help, etc…or do they think I am too wrapped up in my own issues and things around the world to care what they are going through?

I think often of our friends J&E in these days and the wonderful work they do. I think about their calling and passion for working with the people they are among. One thing that sticks out from our time with them that I find myself so desperately wanting is the firm conviction and confirmation they have for God calling them to be where they are and doing what they are doing. They have a wonderful testimony of how God has lead them to that place and several ways that he has made it clear that they are supposed to be there doing that work amongst those people. E said that when they are lonely, sick, discouraged, etc…those confirmations are what keep them going because they know that God has been in the whole process of getting them there and keeping them there. I WANT THAT BAD!!! Maybe it comes with just having NO idea what is next (though we know what we wish was next) but I find myself longing to hear God’s gentle voice as He lead and guides and confirms us of His good and perfect plans for us. I really think that this will help when the days do get long and frustrating and discouraging.

I also think it would help for dealing with people who are not supportive at. all. of what we do or where we work (if we go back to A-stan). It gets old, I’ll be honest. I am not sure why people seem to think that they are free to have a say in what we do with our lives…yes we are supported financially by people…but we answer to God. The people who tell us that they hope we don’t go back are hard to handle…and yet I know that they need to be loved and respected just like everyone else…I just hope that God continues to give passion and vision and leading because we will desperately need that confirmation to hold us true to His calling and will when dealing with some people.

So, it is a fine line these days. My heart longs to return to the place that God desires us to be…but I know that He is waiting for the right time to reveal that…and I don’t want to get ahead of His perfect plans.

Finally

I have had good intentions of writing on this blog every day…or at least once a week…but seeing as I started on May 2 and it is now June 25…I will shoot for the once a month goal to begin with. There is just so much going on now…so much that I want to write about and reflect on. But as I said, there is so much and I seem to be swept up in the next wave that comes and forget to jot down thoughts about the last one before it gets swept back out to the sea.

My life seems so full right now, yet everything is up in the air. This time back in the States has been really good…busy and stressful at times, but good.

Life with Tariq is a blast…it is hard, don’t get me wrong, but I just love him like crazy. He changes every day and just becomes more fun. His little eyes sparkle – when he sleeps – and I can’t help but smile. His new thing is giving me kisses…he loves to just slobber all over my face. Before it was kind of instinctual…when I would kiss him he would kiss me back, but now he has started doing it on his own…and that makes me really really happy. He still gets ups once or twice during the night to eat and I find myself enjoying those times more and more (even though a large part of me wishes he was still sleeping) because as the days go by, the little baby we brought home from the hospital is growing and changing. It is good, but bittersweet in some ways. I still get teary when I think about those first days in the hospital and when he was so little…and I hope that feeling never goes away because it holds so much strength and emotion. Experiencing having a baby for the first time was really a profound thing in my life and I have loved it. As much as I want to cherish those moments forever, I am scared that they will slowly slip away with time…

We celebrated our 6^th wedding anniversary on the 29^th of May. It was crazy to look back through the years at where we have been and where we have come from. Again, the special memories I have of our wedding day; seeing each other for the first time, saying our vows, etc…are slowly fading and I find myself trying to scramble to hold on to them…though I know that they have served their purpose in preserving and steeling our relationship.

We are almost at the end of our crazy speaking tour…it has been a lot…especially with Tariq. I can see why people don’t go on tour with kids. I was always one who thought it would be such a great idea for the whole family to go on tour…and ideally it would be, but it is such a challenge…having a crazy schedule and being in different places all the time and meeting new people. It is understandable why people don’t do it. It has been really fun though to interact with people and share with them what we are about and what is going on where we live and work. It is a breath of fresh air to meet people who have no idea about A-stan or what is going on there…like sometimes to the point of being ridiculous…like one person asked if there were many Catholics there…I almost laughed out loud. But it was nice to dialogue with them and their fresh slate for once instead of wading through everyones’ preconceived notions and prejudices.

We have really enjoyed time with family and are soaking up as much of it as we can get…because it doesn’t come often. I think that makes us not take as much for granted and also causes me to be strangely overemotional/sensitive about some things…but I wouldn’t trade those moments for the world.

Man, I am emotional today…maybe it is the scare that Kaylie’s husband had with his heart this week…catapulting me back to almost a year ago when we were in the hospital in Kabul and the doctor told us that Andy was having a heart attack…weeping as I thought about the possibility of the child within my womb growing up without a father. Thankfully, both cases are not serious, but it has caused me to think lots and to reflect on how blessed I am.

Maybe it has to do with once again being in a very vulnerable position of not knowing where we will go from here. Security remains a problem in our destination…which seems to make everything a problem. So we continue to wrestle with the question – do we move forward with plans, believing that God is calling us to go and will take care of us? Or do we look for another option? Or do we wait until things quiet down? We really have no idea and sit in a pocket of silence, it seems, as we wait for God to speak/move/direct/show the way. I would like to think that we have done this enough by now that we are getting good at this or at least adept to it, but I am not so sure.

This has gotten long enough for now…I will try to write again before the month is over.

I have thought about this for a long time...

Well, maybe not a long time, but a few weeks anyway. I find myself learning new things each day and wanting some way of recording them, so I decided to start this blog. I feel like there is so much going on in our lives and our little family these days and I want to be able to document it and share it...

We are so blessed in the very strange/not normal life we live. The Father has given us enormous blessing and great opportunities and I want to share that. I realize that our very unconventional lives may be easily misunderstood or thought strange, but I want a way to show that we are just people...walking the journey of grace that we have been called to...one baby step at a time. We aren't special, or different than anyone reading this, we just happen to be walking a very interesting path.

My hope is that this blog will help me remember special things, solidify important lessons (I am someone who has to write something down for it to stick) and give a glimpse into what we have been called to. So, if you are patient enough to read my ramblings, more power to you! :)