Prayer for the New Year

We said this prayer as a team in our service on Friday, New Year's Eve and I loved it, so I am sharing it.

Emmanuel,
born of stardust
and earth's squalor,
embrace
our foolishness
into your wisdom,
our coldness
into your warmth;
that together
we may heal
all that wounds,
and open the door to friendship.

Home-gatherer
we have found ourselves
welcomed,
cherished and fed;
our stable
lit by stars;
our fears
stroked by angels' wings.
Take us with you
as you beckon others,
drawing the world to your hearth,
and the hungry
to your table.

Christmas child,
curl your fingers round ours in blessing.
Your clasp
secures us;
your trust
challenges us;
and your presences
unites us,
this holy season
and for all time.
Amen

-Elizabeth Baxter

And Just Like That, She's Gone...

Mom watched little t one day while we went on a "date" to the bazaar...we came home to find this. It is such a perfect picture of Mom doing what she does best - loving on her kids and grandkids...we are SO thankful for her!

This morning I feel like the roles are reversed - like I am the mom and that lady on the plane towards kbl is my daughter...I keep thinking of things I should have told her, warned her about, reminded her of... My heart is sad that she is gone, though happy she is on her way home where she belongs. Having my mom here for the first month has been a joy.

When we first talked about having someone come with us for the first month to help out with little t as we settled into life here in this crazy place, we were slightly nervous about it.  I mean, it would have been a huge help and was a great idea, but this isn't exactly like...any other place in the world.  There are a lot of things here that are hard for people to "get"...that are hard for us to get sometimes...so it was kinda scary to think about bringing someone new (two new someones if you count little t) into that situation.

But we were so pleasantly surprised and blessed with how well Mom did with everything really...she was so patient with us and little t, so helpful, so cheerful, so ready and willing to learn, but yet wasn't freaked out by some of the hard realities of life here that she learned.

It was so great to have someone see what life is like for us and be able to grasp what we are talking about. Someone who now knows the complexity of the situation, yet sees that life carries on at a level of normal (not completely, but we get quickly bored with completely normal!). We are so thankful for this time to have a little bit of "home" here with us in this place.

I can't think too much about her without tears welling up, and I am sure it will be that way for a few days....funny side story: Mom stayed with us for about a month after little t was born and helped out. We were a complete mess and weren't handling things well by ourselves, so she stayed and saved us.  She did the dishes, cooking, normal stuff as we sat there like zombies with this tiny, slightly difficult baby.  We were staying at A's grandparent's house and they have these drinking glasses with butterflies on them.  A, Mom and I each had a specific glass and knew it was ours by the butterfly on it.  After Mom left, I couldn't look at "her" glass for quite a few days without crying...they were bittersweet tears - so immensely thankful for all that she had done for us, yet so sad that she was gone.

So, I sit here again, teary as I think about the last month.  It has been a very good month.  There were days and times that weren't easy or perfect, but for the most part it has been good.  We are excited about life in this place, thankful for the hand of the Father that continues to lead and guide in very real and good ways.  We are happy to be here as a family, there is such joy in the simple things these days.  We are humbled by the tasks before us; the challenges of life, the hardness of hearts, the big things that we as a team feel the Father wants to do in this place, and we are at peace with life here.

So, we move on, wishing there was a way that we could soak in the time with family more often, but so thankful for the love and memories that we treasure from the last year and wait in anticipation for more to come.

Oh Holy Night

This is the beautiful and incredibly challenging blog written by our friend Tara that I mentioned in my last post. It has me thinking these days I hope it will do the same for you. Basically all I need to say in response to this blog post is Amen.

To read more of Troy and Tara's good stuff, as well as learning about their amazing work in Haiti, go here: http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/

Every direction you turn, the images of Christmas can be found. You need not look far to find beautifully thought out displays, tastefully decorated homes with glowing trees, and rows and rows of symmetrical twinkling lights. Step into one of these homes and the warm fire will greet you as you breathe in fresh scents of pine, ginger, and cinnamon. It is beautiful and clean and pristine.

Looking upon these exquisite arrangements one senses order and peace.

O Holy Night.

In contrast I'm reflecting on the untidy disorder of the lives of so many celebrating Christmas around the world this year. They experience vastly different surroundings and a much more simplified version of the annual celebration of the Christ child. It looks nothing like the photos in the magazines and has not even the tiniest hint of Martha Stewart. They don't string lights around a tree or build gingerbread houses; yet meek and mild - they celebrate.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

How did our celebration of this day become so clean and crisp? Where are the smells and sweat and tears that were most certainly a part of Mary and Joseph's journey? It begs the question: Do 'Better Homes and Gardens' scenes with sparkling lights and gorgeous decorations reflect the Christmas story best? Are the experiences of a frightened and embarrassed teenage mother-to-be anything like that? Do the suffering in our world experience Christmas more like Mary and Joseph did - or do we?

A thrill of hope - the weary world rejoices.

I'm reflecting on these two extremes. I love the exquisitely ordered and the beautifully arranged. I picture that sort of beauty in our Heavenly home.

While yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

I long for a day when disparity and injustice ends and brothers and sisters from every continent celebrate Jesus and His birth surrounded by love, joy, dancing, singing and immeasurable peace and beauty.

Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Truthfully I also find great inspiration in the simple, dingy, humble celebrations of those who struggle and toil without access to our unstained images of Christmas. I long for their stripped down total dependence on God. I pray for spiritual wealth like that of the materially poor. I want a Christmas less like Oprah's and more like theirs.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother; And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Our youngest daughter Lydia has been struggling with choices lately. When offered a choice of two things she'll often reply, "I want two ones." When she says that, she means I want them both. As I soak in Christmas this year I find myself wanting two ones. I want the perfect looking, delicious smelling, pain free and unpolluted Christmas and I want the dirty, stinky, humble, difficult, but miraculous Christmas that Mary and Joseph and the poor experience.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, Let all within us praise His holy name.

While I attempt to reconcile two very different Christmases, the celebrations only make sense to me in the context of good overcoming evil. God coming to earth in the form of His son Jesus, to live a sinless life, to die for us ... In His resurrection the promise that one day there will be beauty and justice for all. The end of death. The end of suffering.

O Holy Night.

Christmas in M-ville

Here we are on Christmas Eve, washing laundry, taking naps, doing some last minute shopping, eating (way too many) Christmas goodies, and spending time with friends and family. Seems pretty normal, right? So far Christmas has been nice here in M-ville. Last night A and I finally got around to watching Elf as we drank hot chocolate and decorated our tree. We met with our team this morning for a service (Friday is Sabbath day here) where we sang carols, told the Christmas story, drank hot chocolate, had treats. Little t was convinced that everyone wanted to hear him play the piano and continued to try his hardest to give them their deepest desire. All of our teammates from Finland were dressed in their finest and they joked because those of us from the States (our family) were in jeans. We gave thanks for such a wonderful gift as a Savior and talked about what our lives given as gifts looks like.

Now, Little t is sleeping, A ran to the bazaar quickly, I am doing laundry and reflecting on the day. We will soon go eat lunch with our Finnish teammates (the well dressed ones) because the Eve of Christmas is their special day.

Tomorrow, we will have lunch provided by our friends who are Brits, exchange gifts, laugh lots and eat too much. We had our little family celebration before we came, so there won’t be a lot of gift exchanging here, but we did get Little t a new ball in the bazaar yesterday that will probably be wrapped up for him. We are just enjoying feeling a little more settled and warm in our house. We are thankful for my mom being here with us and the enormous amount of help she has been.

It isn’t easy to be away from family on this holiday and I don’t feel like over-spiritualizing it, but we are glad to be here. When we have internet again I will post a blog written by friends of ours who work in Haiti. Her challenging words have pierced my heart this season as I think about the depth and meaning of Christmas…how amazing, yet tragic to have a baby wrapped in rags and placed in a stall. Oddly, I find myself comparing life here to what it must have been like at the time of the Saviors entrance – dirty and dingy, dark and cold, so much hurt and desperation around him, yet he came with peace and hope and truth. We feel so honored to be a small flicker of light in such a dark part of the world. We find ourselves hoping and asking that the Father would be pleased with the part we play in brining peace on earth in this place.

Here We Go Again...

So, I am going to try this again…it seems like “life” has gotten the better of me for the most part and I just haven’t written on this blog like I would like to. But now that we are on the ground in M-ville (more on that later) I feel like I will need an outlet and want to be consistent with this. I so appreciate other friends from around the world who are good about blogging about life in their respected places because I feel like it is a huge part of advocacy for what is going on around the world and how the Father is working…and given where we are and what we are doing, the same voice needs to be ringing out from here as well…so here goes it.

The reality of this huge transition in our lives is finally beginning to set in. Even for the first few days in K-town I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we were back. Maybe because we were SO enjoying life and time with family and friends in the States that we didn’t really go through the period of restlessness before we came. Usually we get sick of where we are and become very excited about making it to our new location…but we were just having so much fun that it didn’t happen! Or maybe the fact that we were busy with little t turning a year old and obsessing about how he would adjust. When we were landing in K-town, A and I turned and looked at each other, my mom on one side, little t on the other and said to each other, “can you believe that this is really happening”?!?

It has been a long road back to this crazy land. A year mostly filled with HUGE transition to having a child (the most delightful little boy ever, I might add). It was also filled with big questions about where the Father was leading next, deep healing and restoration, great grief and loss (we lost 6 friends from our organization here – 4 of them young adults), and many questions and times of waiting to see what the Father had in store next. I feel like it was a year of quiet growth…feeling like we were being molded and shaped in faith and trust. It was a constant battle and discovery of what the Father wants for us…because part of us could have very easily settled down in our little house in the States and felt right at home…but we felt that we were being asked to do more. After our friends were killed, we immediately thought that we wouldn’t make it back here. But we came to the conclusion that we didn’t have peace about staying in the States…there would always be the nagging feeling of wondering how life would have been if we had gone back…because we didn’t have peace about staying.

So, here we are…A is hooking up the washing machine and a diaper sprayer, we have running water and electricity and a fridge. My mom and I made Christmas cookies today. Little t and I jumped on the trampoline. We have a great team and are beginning to get our feet wet again. The Christmas decorations sit in the corner…maybe we will get to them tomorrow…for now, I just marvel in the goodness of the Father. There are so many little ways that He has blessed us richly since returning. There have been hard and frustrating times so far and there will be plenty more, but the quiet peace has not left…and we bask in that.

On A Lighter Note

I really do want to use this blog often to talk about what is going on in our lives…not just the deep stuff, but the fun stuff as well…and most of the fun these days involves Tariq

~ He is so close to crawling…always popping up on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth…he has made a few little moves, but they aren’t really coordinated yet.

~ It is fun to see him interact with people…he is such a ham, smiling at everyone, talking, flirting. He LOVES his grandparents and it is fun to see them enjoy him so much.

~ Thankfully he has done MUCH better on our trip to Wyoming this time than last…he has been sleeping much better and is generally just in a better mood.

~ He is infatuated with Sage the dog (my parents’ dog). They spend a lot of time looking at each other and T just cracks up whenever Sage gets close.

In not so fun news…our car died on top of the high mountain pass getting here on Wednesday… we are talking engine dies while Andy was going 75 in the left lane passing a semi with a truck right behind us dies….thankfully he was able to get it off the road and a few minutes later it started up again and drove to my parents house…it has a date with the mechanic tomorrow morning and we are hoping it isn’t anything huge…especially hoping that that is the only minor catastrophe we have on this trip (each time we come, something crazy happens).

Very fun to be with my parents and Tate in these days…they are just great and we enjoy time with them. We will be here until Tuesday and then head down to Colorado Springs where we have meetings Tuesday afternoon/evening…really wishing we had more time to spend in the mountains, but we are strapped seeing as we have Wednesday and Thursday to drive to Missouri…and the trip just keeps going from there. Some day we will get to spend time in the mountains again. For now we are soaking up time with the family and loving it. Off to watch Tate play football and then see friends tonight!

Somewhere, Anywhere

“Somewhere, Anywhere” is the phrase that runs through my head a lot these days…I find myself envisioning a walk through the market in Bangkok complete with Pad Thai and mangoes and sticky rice off the street. I dream of soaking up some sun on a beach in India. I wish we were riding through the mountains of northern Luzon with great anticipation of mountain coffee in a small coffee house. I daydream about being back in Indo, visiting with friends. I long to be back in A-stan, walking the dusty streets, enjoying the contrasts of life that break my heart and make me fall in love with that place and people all over again. My heart wants to be “somewhere, anywhere” in these days.

We have had such a good time in the States and have loved every minute of it, but more and more I long to be pouring out, stretched, challenged by life in another place. And yet, we sit here with no idea what comes next. Part of me is okay with that – hanging on to the truth that God is in control and His timing is perfect. But another part of me wants to be doing something, anything to be making a difference. I am scared that I will get lazy and complacent. I am so thankful for the Spirit that continues to bring uncomfortable truth to mind – I can’t help but think often about the fact that so many in the world live on less than a dollar a day…sadly enough it usually doesn’t make me think twice about spending the dollar (or more). I can’t stop thinking about the simplicity and complexity of our life in other countries and I long for that. I don’t want to get complacent in this time.

I find it hard to fit in at times…in the middle of church or a conversation I want to say, “hey, don’t you realize what is going on in the world??? Do you care???” But then half of the time I don’t care enough to do anything myself (saving my dollar to feed someone instead of spending it myself). Also, I am being challenged with caring about those around me…I find myself thinking so much about people around the globe that I don’t look at the needs and the hurts right around me…am I reaching out to my neighbors (do I even know them???)? Do I know what people are struggling with? Do people feel like they can count on me to listen, love, help, etc…or do they think I am too wrapped up in my own issues and things around the world to care what they are going through?

I think often of our friends J&E in these days and the wonderful work they do. I think about their calling and passion for working with the people they are among. One thing that sticks out from our time with them that I find myself so desperately wanting is the firm conviction and confirmation they have for God calling them to be where they are and doing what they are doing. They have a wonderful testimony of how God has lead them to that place and several ways that he has made it clear that they are supposed to be there doing that work amongst those people. E said that when they are lonely, sick, discouraged, etc…those confirmations are what keep them going because they know that God has been in the whole process of getting them there and keeping them there. I WANT THAT BAD!!! Maybe it comes with just having NO idea what is next (though we know what we wish was next) but I find myself longing to hear God’s gentle voice as He lead and guides and confirms us of His good and perfect plans for us. I really think that this will help when the days do get long and frustrating and discouraging.

I also think it would help for dealing with people who are not supportive at. all. of what we do or where we work (if we go back to A-stan). It gets old, I’ll be honest. I am not sure why people seem to think that they are free to have a say in what we do with our lives…yes we are supported financially by people…but we answer to God. The people who tell us that they hope we don’t go back are hard to handle…and yet I know that they need to be loved and respected just like everyone else…I just hope that God continues to give passion and vision and leading because we will desperately need that confirmation to hold us true to His calling and will when dealing with some people.

So, it is a fine line these days. My heart longs to return to the place that God desires us to be…but I know that He is waiting for the right time to reveal that…and I don’t want to get ahead of His perfect plans.