All Things New

It was breathtaking to walk outside into the crisp morning air after a long night of lying in my bed while timing and counting contractions. It was one of those moments where time seems to stand still. I was enveloped by the sunshine and birds singing. The clean morning air wrapped peacefully around my skin. 

A few seconds later, another contraction would snap me back into reality, but those seconds where all of my senses were so fine-tuned are burned into my memory. I wanted to stay in the peace and stillness of that moment forever. 

Moments later…and I mean like a minute or two…I joined hands with my husband to bring our daughter into the world (the full story will follow soon).  Slimy and sticky, she let out a hearty cry before settling in on my chest and looking around with wide eyes. 

The ride to the hospital with quiet and relaxed. Music played in the background, A.P. and I chatted and gazed at our daughter.  Our life had turned upside down (in a more exciting fashion than we were planning).

I am still struck by the beauty that happened that morning.  The sun shone brightly and there was deep peace in the air. New life had never been more rich or real as the baby that I cradled in my arms. 

She is 11 days old now. Her cheeks are getting chubbier by the meal and her skin is silky and smells so sweet. This little lump of baby that naps on my chest as I type still takes my breath away.  Her big brother, who has been fantastic through all of this transition, slumbers in his bed upstairs. He will no doubt wake up as his joyful self in a few minutes. 

In a world that is cold and scary and dark, the faces of these little ones give me hope.  Their beauty and innocence, the way they embrace life and trust deeply paves the way for my heart to know there is something better and more beautiful. Through their eyes and little lives, I see the gentleness and grace of a beautiful Savior.  He gives and takes away, He restores and renews. He is the one who formed my children together in my womb. He breathes life into my little ones. He makes all things new.

In My Momma Heart

To my sweet baby:  In my momma heart, you fill me with so much joy already and I have yet to see your face. It has been nine of months and I still can’t fathom the wonder of you. The bumps and kicks that keep me up at night are you.  The jabs remind me of your little life. Your stretches against my side make my heart swell.  On this day when I am antsy and feeling large, I am desperate to meet you.  I want you in my arms. I want to smell your skin and stoke your silky hair.  I long to touch your cheeks and count your toes.  It still hasn’t fully set in…and won’t until you are with us, I’m sure, but my momma heart aches to meet you. 

To my precious boy:  My momma heart is frantically trying to come up with a way to bottle up who you are right now and keep you that way forever.  I have said that at various times because each stage is so fun and so new. But this one is golden.  Your infectious laugh, the sparkle in your eye. Your crazy stories and and wild sense of humor.  I relish the way you can’t hold back your love for music.  Try as you might, when you hear a beat you have to dance/drum/sing/bob your head to it.  Your friendship with your daddy and the way you can captivate a room with your dynamic personality, it just makes me grin.  There are bumps along the way and days where we butt heads, but we grow through it and in the end, I find I love you even more. 

To babies around the world: My momma heart grieves for those of you who are lost and hurting, who have never known the loving embrace of the woman who carried you in her womb. I wish desperately for you that a family and safety and stability would be yours. I feel guilty to be so blessed and happy when I know that you suffer and are lonely.  My momma heart rings with the theme, ‘if only’.  If only I could scoop you all up and take away all of your hurts and fears and sadness. If only there was a momma for each of you. If only the world wasn’t such a hard place. 

To my Jesus: My momma heart wants so badly to love out of you.  To be patient and loving to those you have entrusted to me. To help them learn to walk in your ways.  To model your truth and beauty to little eyes that watch so intently.  To be Jesus to the lost and hurting.  Please teach me. Please use me.  Touch those who are far from my reach. Come Jesus and make us all whole.

Embracing

It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Thankfully, even during pregnancy, this is quite a rare occurrence for me.  The boys are up in their beds slumbering away. I figured I would move to the couch instead of tossing and turning next to someone else.

I know it sounds cliche, but I am trying to soak in this time before the baby comes.  Don't get me wrong, I am crazy excited to meet this new little person and can't wait to have him/her in my arms. But I am more and more aware of the sweetness of our family as it is and the fact that it will change.  Little t talks about the baby all the time and asks every day if the baby will come out today. For now, he seems excited at meeting his new sibling.  Maybe it is the stage he is in; explosions of new language every day, his (hilarious) personality developing, him being a little person more and more, and growing up right before my very eyes. Whatever it is, part of me is scared that I will miss those things once I am consumed with a new and very helpless little being.  And that makes me sad.  I know it is the way it works and I know that Little t will do great, but the emotional pregnant part of me wants to keep things the way they are AND have the new baby.  If only...

I feel like right now God is teaching me a lot about embracing what I have and where I am at in life.

Embracing the strong-willed two year old and all of the joys and challenges that come with him becoming his own person.

Embracing this new and scary adventure of adding another little person to our lives - the balance of time and energy and love and patience...the lack of sleep and privacy and control.

He is calling me to embrace the need and value of time spent with Him, even in the chaos of these days. In the last few months, I have really been making an effort to do that every day. It is good and I have been deeply challenged by how much I crave and need that time.

I am learning to embrace the beauty and simplicity with which A.P. serves and loves me.  I don't know what I would do without that man. In these days of he steps in more than ever and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am challenged to embrace myself for who I am and where God has me right now. A woman who is 37 weeks pregnant...still in decent shape but sometimes frustrated with the large and lumbering state of my body.

I am learning to embrace God's timing in so many ways.  I never experienced getting antsy in pregnancy with Little t...he was born early and it was all a whirlwind. But I find myself ready and slightly itchy these days. I have to  remember that God's timing is perfect and the baby will come in time.

I also have to remember not to stress about the future...but to remember that He knows the hairs on my head and the plans He has for me.  When we first came home, I stressed about what would happen come the fall. I worried we wouldn't be able to go back, or something would go wrong, or...  And God very clearly said, "just rest and wait."  I have been learning what that means every day.  In these days of nesting, I want badly to have my ducks in a row, but am reminded that I can't control the past or future and can only trust that God's ways are best.

So, these days, I am learning to embrace the simple joys of life.  I will try to sleep now because I know that my nights of actually getting any are numbered...I am trying to embrace that fact as well...this baby better be cute to make up for it!

OOOOkay!

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted.   I figured I needed to get my tail in gear because people were beginning to comment about me not blogging. And also, A.P. mentioned our blogs in the newsletter he wrote today. So, I guess a little pressure did me good!

I mean, life has been a little crazy for sure. But each day I have given myself the pep talk that I will sit down and write a blog today...and then I lay my head down on my pillow at the end of the night with that undone.Part of the reason I have slacked is that I wanted to document our leaving M-ville and traveling and time in Thailand and returning to the States. The more I got behind, the more it just added up to be an insurmountable task that overwhelmed me and made me hide in a corner instead of tackle.

So, needless to say, a lot has gone on in the last few months.  Mostly good, some challenging, a few things just plain hard. Through it all, we have been amazed at God's patience and provision.  We have been blessed so richly and are so thankful for this season of life.  

It is kinda weird to be here in the States. We love it for the most part, but our hearts are torn and I think that is also a reason for my silence.  Literally every day Little t asks if we can "catch a plane" and go back to M-ville.  Literally every time he asks, my eyes tear up.  He talks about kAkA and his friends there.  In our first few days here, he was being more of a stinker than usual and talking about leaving a lot.  Looking back on it, we realized that he was confused and missing what he knows as home.  At one point he very matter-of-factly said "I going bye bye, Momma! I go to M-ville!" I told him that we live here right now and asked where he would stay in M-ville. He replied, "I stay kAkA's house!" and marched out of the room.  It broke this Momma's heart. I was ready to hop back on that plane with him!

A few nights ago, he very persistently asked about leaving to the point of driving me crazy. Finally I asked him if he knew why we were here right now.  His blank look conveyed the answer, so I went on to explain. I told him that we have to wait patiently here for the new baby to come and then after the baby gets a little bigger we can go back to M-ville.  It was a lightbulb moment for all of us.  He finally had a reason behind why we left. We had the realization that he had been missing that vital piece of information that was so obvious to us.  We try to be good about telling him what is going on, so I am not sure how we missed that...but we did.  After that, he began catching himself most of the times he would ask. He would follow up asking by saying something like "after the baby comes we go back, right Momma?"

Like I said, we are all a little bit homesick for the place that has captured our hearts.  We are so deeply thankful for this time, but not long goes by before our minds begin to drift to that place.  I think that is good. I hope it is good.  I feel like it is not unhealthy and we are striving to make the most of our time here...it is just that we aren't the same people anymore.

We are back in our house in Iowa and loving it.  The first night we came home, an overwhelming sense of peace washed over me.  I remember feeling that way before - that this is a peaceful place - and we are deeply grateful for that.  There are times where having our own space feels frivolous and we feel guilty to enjoy such a gift. But for the most part, we soak it in.  Sure, we could do time here living with family, but it is so good to have our own space.  If you are ever in Iowa this summer, look us up! We would love to have you over!

In baby news...we are both getting bigger, according to Little t.  He is infatuated with all things baby and is constantly talking to my stomach, kissing it, feeding it, etc.  He asks every day when the baby is coming out.  I am feeling really good...large-ish...but good.   I am 35 weeks this week and thankful that we are still holding out.  The hospital bags are packed and ready. We LOVE our midwife and are really feeling positive about working with her. I still joke every day about just delivering the baby at home (it would be my first choice if possible). Andy doesn't entertain that so much anymore because he knows how tempted I would be to try it!  We haven't found out the gender of the baby, but A.P. has picked winners of names for both.  Little t frequently talks about Baby Princess and Baby Wayne...the names A.P. has coached him on. It will be a shock for Little t when the baby comes and it will have a real name...not Princess or Wayne! It may be a shock to Andy as well!

It is getting late and I have curtains to make, so I will close for now.  Now that the ball is rolling, I will be better about blogging.  Thanks for not giving up on me and reading!

This and That

We are still alive and kicking...and having a pretty great time, actually!  We have been silent because we have been busy. Packing and moving and traveling has left us with little time to hop on the computer.

**We made it out of M-ville okay. It actually went much better than we expected. We were so richly blessed with help from our teammates. We honestly could not have pulled off that feat without them. They helped pack, hung out with Little t (who adores time with them), fed us meals, helped with laundry, etc.  Such a huge blessing.

**Our one hour flight to the capital turned into 5 1/2 hours as weather scrambled the flight schedule for the day. So we ended up making three extra stops. But Little t was in a great mood and we just went along for the ride and enjoyed seeing more of that amazing country that we have grown to love so deeply.

**We had good times in the capital with some very dear friends and felt good about closure to this period of time there.  We are so blessed with some people in country who have invested deeply into us and we are encouraged by them each time we get together.

**I began to panic when we were in the capital because Little t started to get sick and then decided that sleeping at night was no longer a cool thing to do.  I was suffering after a few nights of getting up every hour with him...and wondering what we were going to do for the next month of traveling...and really what we were going to do when the new baby comes. I forgot how wonderful it is to get a full night's sleep. I am whimpering even now just thinking about giving that up again...  So, those few nights were slightly miserable, but we survived.

**We bumped up our flights out of the capital to Dubai and then onto to Thailand. We had finished all of our work early and decided to take a few days break here in Thailand before our meetings started instead of waiting around in the capital for those days.  We were stoked that we got them switched for no charge.  We got off the phone and excitedly checked the weather again...to see that it had changed to a 90% chance of snow the day we had just switched our flight to.  We about cried.

**We were up at 4 am with all of our luggage As we loaded the car, huge flakes started to fall.  After we had gone through the first half of the security checkpoints, we were standing in total white-out conditions...hearing a policeman tell us that our flight had been cancelled.  We persisted, saying that we wanted to go to the ticketing desk to make sure.  He let us and we went with a small hope.  We checked in and waited, still doubtful. Not too long after, the snow stopped and the sky began to clear.  Our flight left only a few minutes late and a few hours later we touched down in Dubai. We were giddy.

**We had a great few days in Dubai. We didn't do much at all; slept, walked, ate good food, watched movies, took it easy. Little t slept solid through the night both nights we were there and it was like the biggest gift in the world!  We had a rental car and cranked up Dubai's hip hop station as we drove down 6 lane roads that snake through the desert.  Dubai gets a bad rap, but we enjoy it. It is quiet and clean and we can relax. Yeah, there are bad aspects, but we have good memories there. It was a great start to our break.

**10 pm found us in the airport getting ice cream...and hearing our flight being called...an hour early. A.P. shook his head in wonder/frustration as we reminisced that the exact same thing happened on our flight from the States with my mom. Both times, we get Coldstone and hear our flight (that is 30 gates away) being called. Proceed to run with bags, and stroller, and kid and precious (and expensive) ice cream in order to catch the flight.  This time, as luck would have itm we got to the gate and they had just opened it. So we sat around and finished our ice cream waiting to board the plane.  A.P. swore we are ending that tradition...it only adds in stress and sweatiness and melted Coldstone ice cream to already exhausting travel experiences.

**We had talked up the flight to Little t as a time to sleep. It was through the night, after all.  He had his p.j.'s on and was tired (seeing as it was nearing 4 HOURS past his bed time).  But he got on the flight and would have none of it.  Several times he was this close to falling asleep...but then a flight attendant would walk by! Or someone would sneeze! Or he would blink and wake himself up!  It was pretty frustrating trying to keep him quiet and wanting to sleep so badly, but having to keep an eye on the little stinker.  Finally, with an hour left, he fell asleep...and proceeded to sleep through deplaning, being put in his stroller, wheeled around the airport, the security check for the next flight, waiting in the lounge for 1/2 an hour, being taken out of his stroller, boarding the plane and all but the last 1/2 hour of the next 3+ hour flight.  It was seriously amazing.

**Thailand is hot and sticky and awesome as usual. We had a few days in a guesthouse; eating good food, going on walks, going to a water park, sleeping.  It was also a good time of rest.

**We are at a conference now that we have been looking forward to for a few years...quite literally.  It is such a gift to be here. We are able to meet and study the Word with dear dear friends from around the globe.  These are the kind of friendships that are deep and lasting. We don't see each other often, but our times together are really special.  Studying Isaiah together, talking about life in hard contexts, enjoying good food, the kids playing together, just really rich times.  We are very thankful. Thankful for a break before the intensity of returning to the States. Thankful for time with people who labor as we do and 'get it'. We are so thankful for this time and really soaking in the rest and rejuvenation that is coming with it.

Forgotten Faces

I used to love flying in this country. There is something mezmorizing about hovering so low to some of the most rugged mountains in the world.  Especially these days when the snow will be fresh on the highest peaks and the valleys below will still be bare, the beauty is staggering.

Everyone does it, puts their forehead to the window of the plane and stares down at the ground below. It is like a rule, or a magnetic pull or something. You just can’t help but stare at the majesty of creation that is sprawled beneath you.

But more and more, I find myself sad on trips in that little white plane. I try to busy myself with my son instead of the ground below.  I think about my destination and not the souls I am floating by. 

See, in each valley and nook and cranny between those big majestic mountains lies people. Living and breathing souls.

I have been to some pretty remote places in this land and met people who have never seen a foreigner before, who have never ridden in a car before, who have never seen a t.v. before, never eaten ice cream before, and missed out on other important things. But even though I have seen those desolate and hidden places and heard the stories of the occupants, I can’t get over the isolation that many face in this land. At times it is beyond me how anyone could survive in the places where evidence of life can be found.  

There will be nothing for minutes in that plane and suddenly you see a village clinging to life on the side of a valley. Miles from the nearest living being, a shepherd boy will wave to the plane from the top of a mountain as the noise scatters his flock in 10 different directions. 

Every plane ride used to be a game of picking out those camoflauged dwellings, dirt that blends in with dirt, bodies scurrying around, workers toiling in the fields.

 

It used to be a game until my heart broke.

How many thousands of those people will never hear the name of my sweet Je.sus?

How many children will be brought into this world and then leave it (hopefully) years later, never having left their village, never having heard His name, never having tasted and seen that the Lo.rd is good? 

And even in writing it, my heart is wrenched once again.  Valley after valley, mountain after mountain, they live. To an outsider like me, smoke rising from their chimneys is the 
only evidence of their life.

How will they hear?

How will they know?

How will they understand?

These days, plane rides have become times of fervent pr.ayer. Begging God to break through in those crevices. For the wind of His Spirit to move forth, for His love to rush in to the hearts of those clinging to life and a very fragile existence.

Oh God, have mercy on the thousands who are forgotten before they are ever seen.

I Guess He Does Know...

I would be lying if I said, I wasn't slightly resentful toward the fact that we are losing our house.  I mean, come on, we love our house! We take good care of it. It is the perfect size for us. We have worked hard on the yard and garden. And it would have been a WHOLE lot easier to just pack some stuff away and leave for the States than completely pack up the house.  But hey, as if we don't have any other fun in our lives, we are moving for the third time in 14 months!

And I have had to check my attitude a few times when it comes to the owners of the house and the state in which we are leaving it.  All of our local friends tell us how horrible the owners are and how much of a dump the house was before our organization started renting it a few years back.  They are convinced the landlord will let it fal down around him once more and that kinda ticks me off.  I hate to say it, but I have adopted the local attitude when it comes to packing up and leaving this property.

The local attitude is that you take anything that is not cemented down if you had something to do with putting it there.  So, doors you put in, you yank them out!  Awnings you installed for shade, you take them down. The tree house?  It comes with you. Kitchen counters? There is no way they are left behind!  Mirrors? They can buy their own stinkin mirrors! I spent a whole dollar on this one and will not part with it!

Lovely, right?

Well, because I was resentful, I kinda fell into this mentality...which I don't believe is good.  And my attitude soured with each box I packed.

So, when the landlord showed up at 6 pm tonight with his wife and wanted her to talk to me, I was not thrilled.

I invited her in and shoved a pile of boxes and toys off of the cushion for her to sit down.  She declined saying she couldn't stay long. I breathed a sigh of relief and didn't even offer her tea...because I had packed everything for tea the day before.

Her first words were, "Wow! Why is your house such a mess?"

I shot a poison look her way as I said, "Because we have to move out! Remember, you are cutting off our contract?"

Her eyes lit up and I could hear a glimmer of hope in her voice as she asked, "You are really moving out?  When? How soon?"

I was slightly frustrated with this...because everyone had told us this would happen.  Everyone warned that we would pack up our stuff and get ready to move and then they would change their minds.  I was pretty sure that was coming and I wasn't pleased about it.

I told her that we were leaving on Wednesday morning and the house would be empty then.  Her eyes danced with hope and I realized that she was happy we were leaving. So much for just calling our bluff.

She stated that they would move in on Wednesday morning then, right after we were out.  She quickly explained that their house had collapsed in the rain a week or so ago and they were really struggling. They had tried to repair it, but because the damage was extensive and the rain had continued to fall since then, they hadn't been successful.

Suddenly, I was feeling guilty for giving her the poison look, for letting the rabbit chew on the door (the local mentality had set in and I gave up caring one night), for having such a horrible attitude towards this family.

We chatted for a few minutes and she thanked me before leaving.  A.P. discussed things with the husband and off they went, back to their collapsed house, but with light at the end of their dark tunnel.

I marveled at God's hand in this. I have been frustrated with having yet another place taken from us. I have been resentful towards these people I didn't even know.  I have been questioning God's move in all of this (allowing us to lose this yard really puts us in a bind if/when another family arrives).

But He knew that this family would need a house.

He knew when we would be leaving.

He knew that I needed a kick in the pants because my attitude was deeply lacking grace.

He is just good at knowing things like that.

Trust in the Lord and do good,

Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Trust also in Him and He will do it. 

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light

And your judgement as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way.

Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. 

Cease from anger and forsake wrath;

Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.

For evildoers will be cut off;

But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.

Psalm 37: 3-9