Checking In

I have actual blog posts in mind, but wanted to take a moment to check in…for anyone who still makes sure I am still alive on here! J 

It is a rare moment that both kids are sleeping and I still have a little bit of energy for doing something like writing this post. 

Things are going well with us.  Things have changes a lot since Baby Zar was born and we are still most definitely in adjustment mode, but we are making it day by day.  We are so thankful for friends and family who have pitched in big time.  Little t has spent great time with Grandparents Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and we are so thankful for that.  He now asks every morning if he can go to the farm. We are thankful that he loves life here. 

Baby Zar is doing well.  She is growing lots and her cheeks are getting chubbier.  The hot weather has blessed her with crazy heat rash, so most days her little face is broken out.  She is a good eater and a good sleeper…I am scared to say that for fear of jinxing my good luck!  She has started smiling and is interacting more which is really fun. 

The adjustment to being parents of two has been a big one for us.  There have been times where we are overwhelmed by the needs of two little people and the demands of life and forget each other in the clamor.  We are reminded each day of how much we need each other and need to work together.  I am daily amazed and blessed with A.P.’s patience and love for all of us and his continual commitment to keeping life running smoothly as well as helping out with Little t and being there in so many ways.  I am a very blessed woman. 

There are times when we look at each other and wonder how we will ever make it in A-stan without the help of family and friends.  At times it is overwhelming to think of the future – still so up in the air - and try to imagine transitioning two little people well into the unknown.  It is times like this that we have to remember to slow down and focus on today and on God’s perfect plan.  Getting ahead of Him only makes us anxious and fretful.  There is peace in His ways that unfold gently.

This weekend marked the beginning of busy season…we are completely booked with traveling for family events or speaking events each weekend until the middle of September.  It is overwhelming…but we have to take it one day at a time.  We are excited about time with family coming up. We have a reunion with A.P.s family this weekend and with mine the next.  We get to spend a week at a very powerful conference and spend time with some of our very best friends.  We get to speak at some great chu.rchs and events.  We are looking forward to it all. 

Like I said, the future is very much up in the air (but would you expect any different from us?)  at this point in time.  We hope to return in the fall, but there are pieces that need to fall into place before that can happen.  Many many times during the day, our thoughts turn to that land and it’s people.  We are torn…as much as we love life here – close to family and friends and fellowship…our hearts ache for that place. It is our calling and has gripped us tightly.  We know for this phase of our lives, we belong there. 

I hope to post more consistently in the coming weeks. If you have questions about our life or topics you would like me to touch on, please leave a comment and I will do my best.  

Time Marches On

It is the middle of the night and I am up once again with a cranky baby.  Two hours have gone by. I have nursed her, changed her, burped her, changed her, burped her, swaddled her, burped her, shushed her and broken into tears as I lay her down and she once again will not let her exhausted little body give in to sleep.  It is in these moments that I tell myself I can’t wait until this phase is over. I know that down the road she will sleep, but the minutes tick by like agony. 

I wake up late thanks to A.P. who is sweet enough to take morning duty with the munchkins so I can snooze. I am grumpy and discouraged, wondering when this grueling phase of Baby Zar’s life will meld into a more restful and peaceful phase for all of us.  Crying out to Jesus these days is (sadly) the farthest thing from my weak and tired and mind. I read Jesus Calling as I eat cereal and it was obviously written for me for today:

Jesus Calling  June 27

Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded with uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all of your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go. 

In my exhaustion, I have desperately wished that this time would fly by. But how selfish and shortsided of me! To wish away the beautiful middle of the night moments when my daughter snuggles in to nurse, when she looks up at me with trusting eyes and studies my face, those moments that remind me of the sacred responsibility that is mine.  And even worse, to question God’s perfect plan and presence that is evident in this stage of life. Yes, it is cripplingly exhausting, but such a gift.

Life is never certain and (as morbid as it sounds) I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or how much time I will have with this precious girl.  How selfish of me to take for granted the times that she graces my presence.  Time marches on, but I want to enjoy every minute of it. 

Introducing...

 Baby Zar
Born: June 3, 2012
Time: 6:30 a.m.
Weight: 7lbs 3.5 ozs
Length: 20 inches

Brand new

We couldn't be more thrilled that this little lady entered our family three weeks ago.  It has been a whirlwind of adjustment, but also a time filled with much happiness and joy. We are getting to know each other and enjoying every minute of it...even the ones filled with screaming! She is a great baby and we are so thankful for an amazing toddler who has really done well with the adjustment.  He is crazy about his sister!  

Time with Daddy in the hospital

Zar is not our little lady's real name. It is close, so it is the nickname I will use for her here on the blog.  This is what Little t has started calling her and I think it pretty cute.

She's a beauty

Not a day goes by that we don't realize how deeply blessed we are by being given this little treasure. We are so excited to see what big things God has in store for this little one.  We pr.ay that He will use her in mighty ways to show His goodness to those around her.  We are feeling very honored and humbled to be given the gift and responsibility of raising her and her big brother. 

In keeping with the craziness of our family - her birth was anything but normal.  I am almost done writing it and will share it soon! In the meantime I will be snuggling with this girl and smooching those perfect little cheeks! (And trying to get a little sleep too!)

All Things New

It was breathtaking to walk outside into the crisp morning air after a long night of lying in my bed while timing and counting contractions. It was one of those moments where time seems to stand still. I was enveloped by the sunshine and birds singing. The clean morning air wrapped peacefully around my skin. 

A few seconds later, another contraction would snap me back into reality, but those seconds where all of my senses were so fine-tuned are burned into my memory. I wanted to stay in the peace and stillness of that moment forever. 

Moments later…and I mean like a minute or two…I joined hands with my husband to bring our daughter into the world (the full story will follow soon).  Slimy and sticky, she let out a hearty cry before settling in on my chest and looking around with wide eyes. 

The ride to the hospital with quiet and relaxed. Music played in the background, A.P. and I chatted and gazed at our daughter.  Our life had turned upside down (in a more exciting fashion than we were planning).

I am still struck by the beauty that happened that morning.  The sun shone brightly and there was deep peace in the air. New life had never been more rich or real as the baby that I cradled in my arms. 

She is 11 days old now. Her cheeks are getting chubbier by the meal and her skin is silky and smells so sweet. This little lump of baby that naps on my chest as I type still takes my breath away.  Her big brother, who has been fantastic through all of this transition, slumbers in his bed upstairs. He will no doubt wake up as his joyful self in a few minutes. 

In a world that is cold and scary and dark, the faces of these little ones give me hope.  Their beauty and innocence, the way they embrace life and trust deeply paves the way for my heart to know there is something better and more beautiful. Through their eyes and little lives, I see the gentleness and grace of a beautiful Savior.  He gives and takes away, He restores and renews. He is the one who formed my children together in my womb. He breathes life into my little ones. He makes all things new.

In My Momma Heart

To my sweet baby:  In my momma heart, you fill me with so much joy already and I have yet to see your face. It has been nine of months and I still can’t fathom the wonder of you. The bumps and kicks that keep me up at night are you.  The jabs remind me of your little life. Your stretches against my side make my heart swell.  On this day when I am antsy and feeling large, I am desperate to meet you.  I want you in my arms. I want to smell your skin and stoke your silky hair.  I long to touch your cheeks and count your toes.  It still hasn’t fully set in…and won’t until you are with us, I’m sure, but my momma heart aches to meet you. 

To my precious boy:  My momma heart is frantically trying to come up with a way to bottle up who you are right now and keep you that way forever.  I have said that at various times because each stage is so fun and so new. But this one is golden.  Your infectious laugh, the sparkle in your eye. Your crazy stories and and wild sense of humor.  I relish the way you can’t hold back your love for music.  Try as you might, when you hear a beat you have to dance/drum/sing/bob your head to it.  Your friendship with your daddy and the way you can captivate a room with your dynamic personality, it just makes me grin.  There are bumps along the way and days where we butt heads, but we grow through it and in the end, I find I love you even more. 

To babies around the world: My momma heart grieves for those of you who are lost and hurting, who have never known the loving embrace of the woman who carried you in her womb. I wish desperately for you that a family and safety and stability would be yours. I feel guilty to be so blessed and happy when I know that you suffer and are lonely.  My momma heart rings with the theme, ‘if only’.  If only I could scoop you all up and take away all of your hurts and fears and sadness. If only there was a momma for each of you. If only the world wasn’t such a hard place. 

To my Jesus: My momma heart wants so badly to love out of you.  To be patient and loving to those you have entrusted to me. To help them learn to walk in your ways.  To model your truth and beauty to little eyes that watch so intently.  To be Jesus to the lost and hurting.  Please teach me. Please use me.  Touch those who are far from my reach. Come Jesus and make us all whole.

Embracing

It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Thankfully, even during pregnancy, this is quite a rare occurrence for me.  The boys are up in their beds slumbering away. I figured I would move to the couch instead of tossing and turning next to someone else.

I know it sounds cliche, but I am trying to soak in this time before the baby comes.  Don't get me wrong, I am crazy excited to meet this new little person and can't wait to have him/her in my arms. But I am more and more aware of the sweetness of our family as it is and the fact that it will change.  Little t talks about the baby all the time and asks every day if the baby will come out today. For now, he seems excited at meeting his new sibling.  Maybe it is the stage he is in; explosions of new language every day, his (hilarious) personality developing, him being a little person more and more, and growing up right before my very eyes. Whatever it is, part of me is scared that I will miss those things once I am consumed with a new and very helpless little being.  And that makes me sad.  I know it is the way it works and I know that Little t will do great, but the emotional pregnant part of me wants to keep things the way they are AND have the new baby.  If only...

I feel like right now God is teaching me a lot about embracing what I have and where I am at in life.

Embracing the strong-willed two year old and all of the joys and challenges that come with him becoming his own person.

Embracing this new and scary adventure of adding another little person to our lives - the balance of time and energy and love and patience...the lack of sleep and privacy and control.

He is calling me to embrace the need and value of time spent with Him, even in the chaos of these days. In the last few months, I have really been making an effort to do that every day. It is good and I have been deeply challenged by how much I crave and need that time.

I am learning to embrace the beauty and simplicity with which A.P. serves and loves me.  I don't know what I would do without that man. In these days of he steps in more than ever and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am challenged to embrace myself for who I am and where God has me right now. A woman who is 37 weeks pregnant...still in decent shape but sometimes frustrated with the large and lumbering state of my body.

I am learning to embrace God's timing in so many ways.  I never experienced getting antsy in pregnancy with Little t...he was born early and it was all a whirlwind. But I find myself ready and slightly itchy these days. I have to  remember that God's timing is perfect and the baby will come in time.

I also have to remember not to stress about the future...but to remember that He knows the hairs on my head and the plans He has for me.  When we first came home, I stressed about what would happen come the fall. I worried we wouldn't be able to go back, or something would go wrong, or...  And God very clearly said, "just rest and wait."  I have been learning what that means every day.  In these days of nesting, I want badly to have my ducks in a row, but am reminded that I can't control the past or future and can only trust that God's ways are best.

So, these days, I am learning to embrace the simple joys of life.  I will try to sleep now because I know that my nights of actually getting any are numbered...I am trying to embrace that fact as well...this baby better be cute to make up for it!

OOOOkay!

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted.   I figured I needed to get my tail in gear because people were beginning to comment about me not blogging. And also, A.P. mentioned our blogs in the newsletter he wrote today. So, I guess a little pressure did me good!

I mean, life has been a little crazy for sure. But each day I have given myself the pep talk that I will sit down and write a blog today...and then I lay my head down on my pillow at the end of the night with that undone.Part of the reason I have slacked is that I wanted to document our leaving M-ville and traveling and time in Thailand and returning to the States. The more I got behind, the more it just added up to be an insurmountable task that overwhelmed me and made me hide in a corner instead of tackle.

So, needless to say, a lot has gone on in the last few months.  Mostly good, some challenging, a few things just plain hard. Through it all, we have been amazed at God's patience and provision.  We have been blessed so richly and are so thankful for this season of life.  

It is kinda weird to be here in the States. We love it for the most part, but our hearts are torn and I think that is also a reason for my silence.  Literally every day Little t asks if we can "catch a plane" and go back to M-ville.  Literally every time he asks, my eyes tear up.  He talks about kAkA and his friends there.  In our first few days here, he was being more of a stinker than usual and talking about leaving a lot.  Looking back on it, we realized that he was confused and missing what he knows as home.  At one point he very matter-of-factly said "I going bye bye, Momma! I go to M-ville!" I told him that we live here right now and asked where he would stay in M-ville. He replied, "I stay kAkA's house!" and marched out of the room.  It broke this Momma's heart. I was ready to hop back on that plane with him!

A few nights ago, he very persistently asked about leaving to the point of driving me crazy. Finally I asked him if he knew why we were here right now.  His blank look conveyed the answer, so I went on to explain. I told him that we have to wait patiently here for the new baby to come and then after the baby gets a little bigger we can go back to M-ville.  It was a lightbulb moment for all of us.  He finally had a reason behind why we left. We had the realization that he had been missing that vital piece of information that was so obvious to us.  We try to be good about telling him what is going on, so I am not sure how we missed that...but we did.  After that, he began catching himself most of the times he would ask. He would follow up asking by saying something like "after the baby comes we go back, right Momma?"

Like I said, we are all a little bit homesick for the place that has captured our hearts.  We are so deeply thankful for this time, but not long goes by before our minds begin to drift to that place.  I think that is good. I hope it is good.  I feel like it is not unhealthy and we are striving to make the most of our time here...it is just that we aren't the same people anymore.

We are back in our house in Iowa and loving it.  The first night we came home, an overwhelming sense of peace washed over me.  I remember feeling that way before - that this is a peaceful place - and we are deeply grateful for that.  There are times where having our own space feels frivolous and we feel guilty to enjoy such a gift. But for the most part, we soak it in.  Sure, we could do time here living with family, but it is so good to have our own space.  If you are ever in Iowa this summer, look us up! We would love to have you over!

In baby news...we are both getting bigger, according to Little t.  He is infatuated with all things baby and is constantly talking to my stomach, kissing it, feeding it, etc.  He asks every day when the baby is coming out.  I am feeling really good...large-ish...but good.   I am 35 weeks this week and thankful that we are still holding out.  The hospital bags are packed and ready. We LOVE our midwife and are really feeling positive about working with her. I still joke every day about just delivering the baby at home (it would be my first choice if possible). Andy doesn't entertain that so much anymore because he knows how tempted I would be to try it!  We haven't found out the gender of the baby, but A.P. has picked winners of names for both.  Little t frequently talks about Baby Princess and Baby Wayne...the names A.P. has coached him on. It will be a shock for Little t when the baby comes and it will have a real name...not Princess or Wayne! It may be a shock to Andy as well!

It is getting late and I have curtains to make, so I will close for now.  Now that the ball is rolling, I will be better about blogging.  Thanks for not giving up on me and reading!