Going To War

His bags sit packed by the door. He walks down with his uniform on. The trusty khaki pants he has worn for years are present once again. His usually brown sweater has been upgraded after much prodding and the new one looks just as good. He shugs into his khaki coat and picks up the bags.  I turn away as he walks to the door, trying to find something to busy myself with so I don’t think about the separation that inches closer with each passing second.  I pick up the baby and cover her in kisses.  She deserves more than usual today.  She laughed for her daddy for the first time this morning, something I had been begging her to do for weeks.  I was desperate for him to hear this before the distance between them grew. She obliged.  I cried and thanked Jes.us. Such a simple, but beautiful gift. 

The bags are in the car. A few last minute things and we are on the road.  We talk and laugh, savoring our moments together.  Before we know it, the airport is in sight and the sad lump in my stomach grows.  We walk in together and go through the motions…but only half go through the motions.  How many times have we travelled together and now one staying behind feels incomplete. 

My battle with my eyes is useless.  I am too tired, and too emotional and love this man too much to not cry.  He spends a few minutes wooing his daughther while I go to the bathroom to try to get ahold of myself….and prolong the goodbye that is just around the bend.  I come back out and find my way into his embrace as I have countless times before. I half jokingly tell him to stay.  He whispers words of love to my heart and I could stay wrapped up in him forever.  We kiss, and he wipes my tears and nods.  He turns to go and I do the same. 

We both look over our shoulders one last time as we reach the last point of visibility.  It is just a glance, (one we both knew we should’t take, but both knew we had to take), but it encapsulates so much; years and babies, and moves and tears and deep deep love.  The glance says it all and then he is gone. 

I find my way to the car and busy myself with nursing the sweet girl that lays in my arms.  The tears come and I let them fall freely. I silently repeat the mantra, “it’s only three weeks” but in my heart it feels like an eternity.

As much as my heart breaks in those moments, I am resolute that we are doing the right thing. I thank Jes.us for the peace and clarity and passion that He has bestowed. I thank God for the unity of heart that He has given and for the call of Him on our lives. I think about our wedding bands and what we inscribed for each other: (mine) “Love Jes.us with me” and (his) “may our hearts forever break as one”.

I thank Jes.us that my man goes to fight with love and kindness, with transformation and the Spirit as opposed to weapons and force.

The battle rages on all sides; the enemy runs rampant and seeks to ruin.  We fight against fear and prejudice, against ignorance and intolerance. We gird ourselves with the Word and with prayer. 

There is too much at stake to chicken out and stay home. As much as I long for his arms to stay wrapped around me, I am desperate for him to be about the work of the Father even more. Restoration and transformation are too important. Children on both sides of the divide deserve peace and it won’t come if the chasm between them only continues to widen.

And so we fight. 

We fight against lies that are whispered – taunting that they aren’t people and have no value.  

We fight against fear that keeps people from seeking peace. 

We fight against the Enemy who keeps people trapped in his snare. 

We fight against poverty and hopelessness and despair by bringing water and soap and jobs and a glimmer of hope. 

We fight against the status quo by laying aside the American dream to step out on the water.  

We fight against the doubt that says we are bad parents for taking our kids there.  

We fight against the fear that we aren’t good enough to ever make a difference.  

We fight against the quicksand of fear and misunderstanding and intolerance.  

__________________________

We fight for Jes.us and the beauty that His lifegiving Spirit brings. 

We fight for people. 

We fight for our kids- that they will grow up with eyes to see the world and hearts and respond to its’ deep needs.  

We fight for freedom and the Spirit of the Lord that brings it.  

We fight for justice – that redemption would be found.  

We fight for understanding - that the clash of lies would be quieted and true words would ring forth.  

We fight for joy – that it would be seen in us and through us.  

We fight for love – that its power would prevail. 

We fight for hope – because it is our only leg to stand on. 

And so I send him to war and peace reigns in my heart.

Snippets

Hello world! Let me just start by saying that I am not happy that I have become a person that blogs once a month. I so want to be doing this more often...but life happens.  Traveling, and little ones, and planning, and traveling, and life, and friends, and traveling, and cleaning, and traveling.  It wears a girl out! As much as I have wanted to post more (like I have a 3 1/2 month old daughter that I have written about only 2 times...sad) I just haven't sat down to do it.

It isn't that I haven't done a lot of sitting lately. Baby Zar would be happiest if I sat and rocked her all day. But it is hard to type one handed. And tackling a blog post in such a position was too daunting a task for me to take on.  That and the fact that I am tired these days...so I usually get to the computer, all ready to write something brilliant and then I stare at it and get no further.

So, all that to say: don't give up on me (I will be back next month...just kidding!)  I really want to work on posting more often. It is good for me.

Like I said, things have been busy around here. We are finally done with all of our big traveling and settling back into somewhat of a routine.  The kids did fantastic with all of the travel.  Little t never missed a beat as we went to different chur.chs each week. He would skip right into Sunday School or the nursery and make new friends easily.  He is amazing and we adore him.  Baby Zar did well also. She isn't that great in the car (which made the trip to Wyoming and back really fun...) so that has been painful at times. I do feel like she is getting better and mellowing out, so that is a huge plus!

We had a fantastic time with my parents in Wyoming.  We enjoyed good food and time together.  The trees were changing colors and were so beautiful. The whole week we were there it was still and warm...the weather was perfect.  Little t and Baby Zar fought over the attention of my youngest brother, Tate.  They both adore him as well as my parents. It was a very very special time with them.

The beginning of September, we went to visit some college friends of ours who work in our part of the world.  It was great to connect with people who 'get' what it is like to live in a context like ours. All of the talk about where we work made us even more excited to go back.

We were also able to go to the Wisconsin Dells with A.P.'s mom's side of the family. Little t had a blast in the water and Baby Zar got in on a little water action as well.

These days, A.P. and Little t make the rounds in the combine and tractor as much as they can. Harvest is in full swing here in our area and Little t is in heaven. He goes from one thing to the next and begs each day to go to the farm.

We are busy gearing up for our return to M-ville.  A.P. leaves on Thursday and will be gone for 3 weeks. He will return to A-stan to attend meetings, check on his projects, and begin setting up our house.  Notice I said, A.P. will be going...meaning the rest of us will be here.  I have never done three weeks on my own with two kids before and am kinda nervous.  So, you can be thinking of us in the weeks to come.  I am most nervous about how Little t will handle his Daddy being gone.  They are pretty much inseparable when A.P. is home. I can imagine it won't go over too well when he finds out Dad isn't coming home for a while...especially when he learns that Dad went to M-ville on a plane. Little t asks most days if he can do that, so I think he is going to feel left out! But, we really do believe that this will be a good time.  It will be important that A.P. gets things accomplished before we all go over the beginning of November.

When I get stressed, I tend to purge things from my house.  The timing for this is perfect right now because next weekend is the City Wide (our 'city' if 150 people) Garage Sales here.  So, we will be having a garage sale.  It is actually good that A.P. is leaving because he puts a damper on my garage sale efforts.  My packrat husband goes through the piles I have set aside to sell and vetoes many of the things I try to get rid of.  "What? These pants you have had since junior high? You don't want to keep them?!?"  "No way! You can't get rid of that shirt that I told you was too girly for Little t to wear and and not girly enough for Baby Zar to wear!"  "I know Little t never played with that toy from Mc.Donalds, but what if he needs it some day!"   You think I am kidding...   Really though, there is much sorting and tossing going on around our house.   I keep telling myself that I need to get back in the third world mindset where I don't need a lot of stuff. I have been here too long and now think I need all of these fancy/nice things to survive.  I need to get back to reality.

One of the best things I have done in my adult life is to join and online Bib.le study/accountability group. It is women from all over the globe who keep each other accountable to do morning study and pray.er  This is the second phase I have done it and I love it.  Granted, I am not consistent every morning, but it has been so good to have that accountability and encouragement.  We are studying 1 Peter and it is SO good.  Usually I don't make it up before Baby Zar does (though that is my goal). Her super sensitive momma radar usually goes off when I even begin thinking about rolling out of bed.  So, we spend the quiet time together.  I read as I nurse her and then I read aloud to her.  I am encouraged by this as I feel like I have been a slacker in that department.  So often, I find myself at the end of the day saying, "I didn't pray with or for my kids enough today." "we should have read the Bib.le together as opposed another truck book."  Maybe you are surprised to hear that someone of my vocation isn't super spiritual like that.  It is one thing I really really desire to work on...to teach my kids Truth in very intentional and focused ways each day.  Back to the study - I am growing a lot and excited to pass that on to my children.

Whew! This is long and I need to wrap it up! Stay tuned for some pictures of the cutest kids on the planet.  Thanks for reading and for your patience!

Pushing and Pulling

I wrote this a few weeks ago and never posted it, but it still applies...

It is a perfect summer night. The oppressive heat of the day has given way to a lazy breeze that brings some relief from the mugginess.  Darkness begins to invade the edges of town and people become brave enough to step out of their cool houses.  Hoses start up in an effort to give relief to thirsty plants and flowers, feet meander up and down streets, neighbors wave and greet each other. 

Little t and Baby Zar and I are finally free from the confines of our house.  All day long we have waited for a chance to brave the outdoors.  If not for Baby Zar we could have been out a few hours ago, but her little body is already covered in heat rash and she needs cooler temps. 

Those cooler temps have arrived, so we venture outside. We water the flowers, wave to the sheriff as he passes by, check on the baby birds in the nest and pick crabapples off the tree.  We load up the stroller and go check the train tracks before saying hello to friends across town. 

By the time we return home darkness has enveloped us. Fireflies draw Little t into our grassy yard and he runs around squealing with delight.  Baby Zar is still sleeping, wrapped close to my body.  I am feeling tired and ready for a break from little people.  I know that my chances are slim that I can get Little t into bed and have any moments of quiet before Baby Zar wakes up to eat and start her nighttime routine.  It is late and I am feeling antsy. 

I prod Little t along, telling him it is time to come inside. My voice gets more and more stern with each plea.  He seems oblivious to anything but the twinkling bugs that float just out of his grasp.  I grow impatient and bossy. He gives me a glance and an ‘Okay Momma’ as he takes one step in my direction.  Another light blinks to his left and he is off across the grass in pursuit.  I am sweating bullets, frustrated and done playing games.  With sharpness in my voice, I once again tell him to come inside, that it is late and I am tired of him not listening.  I count to three, I bribe him, I beg and plead, finally I direct him inside with a hand on his arm. He hates it and I get even more upset. 

The wrestling continues through a poopy diaper, a quick shower, reading a book and turning out the light.  My frustration with the cutest little boy in the world escalates with each second that ticks by. By the time I walk out of his room after final kisses and hugs I am exhausted and suffering from a majorly bad attitude.  I grumble to myself about his behavior and how unfair it is to me. 

Later that night as I lay in bed feeing Baby Zar, God brings the evening back to mind and convicts me of the way I handled it.  See, Little t is a really really great kid. I know I am biased, but for the most part he is pretty outstanding.  He is adaptable and gracious with us as parents.  He does well at taking our crazy lifestyle in stride and usually does so with a smile on his face.  I know this, but I found myself grumbling about him all evening.  He wasn’t fast enough, he didn’t listen enough, he just wanted to do his own thing, he didn’t respect my requests of him, he took advantage of me giving him a little extra time to play outside, etc. 

But in those moments, I heard God saying, “you can’t blame Little t for something that he doesn’t understand or have control over.  He has no concept of time or what it means to be late.  You are his mom and it is your job to help lead him into good practices.  If you wanted him in bed 15 minutes earlier, you should have left 15 minutes earlier.”  I realized that I was in the wrong.  I have a tendency to push things to the limit but yet be frustrated when there is no give or things don’t go my way.  I thought back over the last few weeks and how often I have not gently helped Little t along, and then been angry with him when he dawdled or when I got tired, or his time infringed on mine, etc.   It was a good reminder for me of how I need to be molding and shaping him, but also how I can’t get upset with him for something that is largely my responsibility. 

It has also opened my eyes to my relationship with my heavenly Father.  I see myself as both Tariq and I.  I get anxious and antsy…I play the impatient one when I comes to the future and God’s direction.  I constantly find myself trying to pull my weight in decisions and wishing God would reveal the next steps just a little faster.  I also like Tariq get so easily distracted and swayed by the tiniest little things along the journey.  God never nags, but I wonder how often He is patiently waiting for me to  put one foot in front of the other and step out in faith as He leads. All while I am dawdling, getting caught up in meaningless things of the day to day…my mind drifting from Him.  

These days are busy and overwhelming.  I want to love my family and grace and patience, but I fall so short.  I want to wait patiently for the next steps, but I wring my hands and fret.  I want to ‘be still and know that He is God.’ But I so often jump ahead.  I am working hard to bring the pushing and pulling to a halt and rest in Him instead.  

Checking In

I have actual blog posts in mind, but wanted to take a moment to check in…for anyone who still makes sure I am still alive on here! J 

It is a rare moment that both kids are sleeping and I still have a little bit of energy for doing something like writing this post. 

Things are going well with us.  Things have changes a lot since Baby Zar was born and we are still most definitely in adjustment mode, but we are making it day by day.  We are so thankful for friends and family who have pitched in big time.  Little t has spent great time with Grandparents Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and we are so thankful for that.  He now asks every morning if he can go to the farm. We are thankful that he loves life here. 

Baby Zar is doing well.  She is growing lots and her cheeks are getting chubbier.  The hot weather has blessed her with crazy heat rash, so most days her little face is broken out.  She is a good eater and a good sleeper…I am scared to say that for fear of jinxing my good luck!  She has started smiling and is interacting more which is really fun. 

The adjustment to being parents of two has been a big one for us.  There have been times where we are overwhelmed by the needs of two little people and the demands of life and forget each other in the clamor.  We are reminded each day of how much we need each other and need to work together.  I am daily amazed and blessed with A.P.’s patience and love for all of us and his continual commitment to keeping life running smoothly as well as helping out with Little t and being there in so many ways.  I am a very blessed woman. 

There are times when we look at each other and wonder how we will ever make it in A-stan without the help of family and friends.  At times it is overwhelming to think of the future – still so up in the air - and try to imagine transitioning two little people well into the unknown.  It is times like this that we have to remember to slow down and focus on today and on God’s perfect plan.  Getting ahead of Him only makes us anxious and fretful.  There is peace in His ways that unfold gently.

This weekend marked the beginning of busy season…we are completely booked with traveling for family events or speaking events each weekend until the middle of September.  It is overwhelming…but we have to take it one day at a time.  We are excited about time with family coming up. We have a reunion with A.P.s family this weekend and with mine the next.  We get to spend a week at a very powerful conference and spend time with some of our very best friends.  We get to speak at some great chu.rchs and events.  We are looking forward to it all. 

Like I said, the future is very much up in the air (but would you expect any different from us?)  at this point in time.  We hope to return in the fall, but there are pieces that need to fall into place before that can happen.  Many many times during the day, our thoughts turn to that land and it’s people.  We are torn…as much as we love life here – close to family and friends and fellowship…our hearts ache for that place. It is our calling and has gripped us tightly.  We know for this phase of our lives, we belong there. 

I hope to post more consistently in the coming weeks. If you have questions about our life or topics you would like me to touch on, please leave a comment and I will do my best.  

Time Marches On

It is the middle of the night and I am up once again with a cranky baby.  Two hours have gone by. I have nursed her, changed her, burped her, changed her, burped her, swaddled her, burped her, shushed her and broken into tears as I lay her down and she once again will not let her exhausted little body give in to sleep.  It is in these moments that I tell myself I can’t wait until this phase is over. I know that down the road she will sleep, but the minutes tick by like agony. 

I wake up late thanks to A.P. who is sweet enough to take morning duty with the munchkins so I can snooze. I am grumpy and discouraged, wondering when this grueling phase of Baby Zar’s life will meld into a more restful and peaceful phase for all of us.  Crying out to Jesus these days is (sadly) the farthest thing from my weak and tired and mind. I read Jesus Calling as I eat cereal and it was obviously written for me for today:

Jesus Calling  June 27

Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded with uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all of your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go. 

In my exhaustion, I have desperately wished that this time would fly by. But how selfish and shortsided of me! To wish away the beautiful middle of the night moments when my daughter snuggles in to nurse, when she looks up at me with trusting eyes and studies my face, those moments that remind me of the sacred responsibility that is mine.  And even worse, to question God’s perfect plan and presence that is evident in this stage of life. Yes, it is cripplingly exhausting, but such a gift.

Life is never certain and (as morbid as it sounds) I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or how much time I will have with this precious girl.  How selfish of me to take for granted the times that she graces my presence.  Time marches on, but I want to enjoy every minute of it. 

Introducing...

 Baby Zar
Born: June 3, 2012
Time: 6:30 a.m.
Weight: 7lbs 3.5 ozs
Length: 20 inches

Brand new

We couldn't be more thrilled that this little lady entered our family three weeks ago.  It has been a whirlwind of adjustment, but also a time filled with much happiness and joy. We are getting to know each other and enjoying every minute of it...even the ones filled with screaming! She is a great baby and we are so thankful for an amazing toddler who has really done well with the adjustment.  He is crazy about his sister!  

Time with Daddy in the hospital

Zar is not our little lady's real name. It is close, so it is the nickname I will use for her here on the blog.  This is what Little t has started calling her and I think it pretty cute.

She's a beauty

Not a day goes by that we don't realize how deeply blessed we are by being given this little treasure. We are so excited to see what big things God has in store for this little one.  We pr.ay that He will use her in mighty ways to show His goodness to those around her.  We are feeling very honored and humbled to be given the gift and responsibility of raising her and her big brother. 

In keeping with the craziness of our family - her birth was anything but normal.  I am almost done writing it and will share it soon! In the meantime I will be snuggling with this girl and smooching those perfect little cheeks! (And trying to get a little sleep too!)

All Things New

It was breathtaking to walk outside into the crisp morning air after a long night of lying in my bed while timing and counting contractions. It was one of those moments where time seems to stand still. I was enveloped by the sunshine and birds singing. The clean morning air wrapped peacefully around my skin. 

A few seconds later, another contraction would snap me back into reality, but those seconds where all of my senses were so fine-tuned are burned into my memory. I wanted to stay in the peace and stillness of that moment forever. 

Moments later…and I mean like a minute or two…I joined hands with my husband to bring our daughter into the world (the full story will follow soon).  Slimy and sticky, she let out a hearty cry before settling in on my chest and looking around with wide eyes. 

The ride to the hospital with quiet and relaxed. Music played in the background, A.P. and I chatted and gazed at our daughter.  Our life had turned upside down (in a more exciting fashion than we were planning).

I am still struck by the beauty that happened that morning.  The sun shone brightly and there was deep peace in the air. New life had never been more rich or real as the baby that I cradled in my arms. 

She is 11 days old now. Her cheeks are getting chubbier by the meal and her skin is silky and smells so sweet. This little lump of baby that naps on my chest as I type still takes my breath away.  Her big brother, who has been fantastic through all of this transition, slumbers in his bed upstairs. He will no doubt wake up as his joyful self in a few minutes. 

In a world that is cold and scary and dark, the faces of these little ones give me hope.  Their beauty and innocence, the way they embrace life and trust deeply paves the way for my heart to know there is something better and more beautiful. Through their eyes and little lives, I see the gentleness and grace of a beautiful Savior.  He gives and takes away, He restores and renews. He is the one who formed my children together in my womb. He breathes life into my little ones. He makes all things new.