In My Momma Heart

To my sweet baby:  In my momma heart, you fill me with so much joy already and I have yet to see your face. It has been nine of months and I still can’t fathom the wonder of you. The bumps and kicks that keep me up at night are you.  The jabs remind me of your little life. Your stretches against my side make my heart swell.  On this day when I am antsy and feeling large, I am desperate to meet you.  I want you in my arms. I want to smell your skin and stoke your silky hair.  I long to touch your cheeks and count your toes.  It still hasn’t fully set in…and won’t until you are with us, I’m sure, but my momma heart aches to meet you. 

To my precious boy:  My momma heart is frantically trying to come up with a way to bottle up who you are right now and keep you that way forever.  I have said that at various times because each stage is so fun and so new. But this one is golden.  Your infectious laugh, the sparkle in your eye. Your crazy stories and and wild sense of humor.  I relish the way you can’t hold back your love for music.  Try as you might, when you hear a beat you have to dance/drum/sing/bob your head to it.  Your friendship with your daddy and the way you can captivate a room with your dynamic personality, it just makes me grin.  There are bumps along the way and days where we butt heads, but we grow through it and in the end, I find I love you even more. 

To babies around the world: My momma heart grieves for those of you who are lost and hurting, who have never known the loving embrace of the woman who carried you in her womb. I wish desperately for you that a family and safety and stability would be yours. I feel guilty to be so blessed and happy when I know that you suffer and are lonely.  My momma heart rings with the theme, ‘if only’.  If only I could scoop you all up and take away all of your hurts and fears and sadness. If only there was a momma for each of you. If only the world wasn’t such a hard place. 

To my Jesus: My momma heart wants so badly to love out of you.  To be patient and loving to those you have entrusted to me. To help them learn to walk in your ways.  To model your truth and beauty to little eyes that watch so intently.  To be Jesus to the lost and hurting.  Please teach me. Please use me.  Touch those who are far from my reach. Come Jesus and make us all whole.

Embracing

It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Thankfully, even during pregnancy, this is quite a rare occurrence for me.  The boys are up in their beds slumbering away. I figured I would move to the couch instead of tossing and turning next to someone else.

I know it sounds cliche, but I am trying to soak in this time before the baby comes.  Don't get me wrong, I am crazy excited to meet this new little person and can't wait to have him/her in my arms. But I am more and more aware of the sweetness of our family as it is and the fact that it will change.  Little t talks about the baby all the time and asks every day if the baby will come out today. For now, he seems excited at meeting his new sibling.  Maybe it is the stage he is in; explosions of new language every day, his (hilarious) personality developing, him being a little person more and more, and growing up right before my very eyes. Whatever it is, part of me is scared that I will miss those things once I am consumed with a new and very helpless little being.  And that makes me sad.  I know it is the way it works and I know that Little t will do great, but the emotional pregnant part of me wants to keep things the way they are AND have the new baby.  If only...

I feel like right now God is teaching me a lot about embracing what I have and where I am at in life.

Embracing the strong-willed two year old and all of the joys and challenges that come with him becoming his own person.

Embracing this new and scary adventure of adding another little person to our lives - the balance of time and energy and love and patience...the lack of sleep and privacy and control.

He is calling me to embrace the need and value of time spent with Him, even in the chaos of these days. In the last few months, I have really been making an effort to do that every day. It is good and I have been deeply challenged by how much I crave and need that time.

I am learning to embrace the beauty and simplicity with which A.P. serves and loves me.  I don't know what I would do without that man. In these days of he steps in more than ever and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am challenged to embrace myself for who I am and where God has me right now. A woman who is 37 weeks pregnant...still in decent shape but sometimes frustrated with the large and lumbering state of my body.

I am learning to embrace God's timing in so many ways.  I never experienced getting antsy in pregnancy with Little t...he was born early and it was all a whirlwind. But I find myself ready and slightly itchy these days. I have to  remember that God's timing is perfect and the baby will come in time.

I also have to remember not to stress about the future...but to remember that He knows the hairs on my head and the plans He has for me.  When we first came home, I stressed about what would happen come the fall. I worried we wouldn't be able to go back, or something would go wrong, or...  And God very clearly said, "just rest and wait."  I have been learning what that means every day.  In these days of nesting, I want badly to have my ducks in a row, but am reminded that I can't control the past or future and can only trust that God's ways are best.

So, these days, I am learning to embrace the simple joys of life.  I will try to sleep now because I know that my nights of actually getting any are numbered...I am trying to embrace that fact as well...this baby better be cute to make up for it!

OOOOkay!

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted.   I figured I needed to get my tail in gear because people were beginning to comment about me not blogging. And also, A.P. mentioned our blogs in the newsletter he wrote today. So, I guess a little pressure did me good!

I mean, life has been a little crazy for sure. But each day I have given myself the pep talk that I will sit down and write a blog today...and then I lay my head down on my pillow at the end of the night with that undone.Part of the reason I have slacked is that I wanted to document our leaving M-ville and traveling and time in Thailand and returning to the States. The more I got behind, the more it just added up to be an insurmountable task that overwhelmed me and made me hide in a corner instead of tackle.

So, needless to say, a lot has gone on in the last few months.  Mostly good, some challenging, a few things just plain hard. Through it all, we have been amazed at God's patience and provision.  We have been blessed so richly and are so thankful for this season of life.  

It is kinda weird to be here in the States. We love it for the most part, but our hearts are torn and I think that is also a reason for my silence.  Literally every day Little t asks if we can "catch a plane" and go back to M-ville.  Literally every time he asks, my eyes tear up.  He talks about kAkA and his friends there.  In our first few days here, he was being more of a stinker than usual and talking about leaving a lot.  Looking back on it, we realized that he was confused and missing what he knows as home.  At one point he very matter-of-factly said "I going bye bye, Momma! I go to M-ville!" I told him that we live here right now and asked where he would stay in M-ville. He replied, "I stay kAkA's house!" and marched out of the room.  It broke this Momma's heart. I was ready to hop back on that plane with him!

A few nights ago, he very persistently asked about leaving to the point of driving me crazy. Finally I asked him if he knew why we were here right now.  His blank look conveyed the answer, so I went on to explain. I told him that we have to wait patiently here for the new baby to come and then after the baby gets a little bigger we can go back to M-ville.  It was a lightbulb moment for all of us.  He finally had a reason behind why we left. We had the realization that he had been missing that vital piece of information that was so obvious to us.  We try to be good about telling him what is going on, so I am not sure how we missed that...but we did.  After that, he began catching himself most of the times he would ask. He would follow up asking by saying something like "after the baby comes we go back, right Momma?"

Like I said, we are all a little bit homesick for the place that has captured our hearts.  We are so deeply thankful for this time, but not long goes by before our minds begin to drift to that place.  I think that is good. I hope it is good.  I feel like it is not unhealthy and we are striving to make the most of our time here...it is just that we aren't the same people anymore.

We are back in our house in Iowa and loving it.  The first night we came home, an overwhelming sense of peace washed over me.  I remember feeling that way before - that this is a peaceful place - and we are deeply grateful for that.  There are times where having our own space feels frivolous and we feel guilty to enjoy such a gift. But for the most part, we soak it in.  Sure, we could do time here living with family, but it is so good to have our own space.  If you are ever in Iowa this summer, look us up! We would love to have you over!

In baby news...we are both getting bigger, according to Little t.  He is infatuated with all things baby and is constantly talking to my stomach, kissing it, feeding it, etc.  He asks every day when the baby is coming out.  I am feeling really good...large-ish...but good.   I am 35 weeks this week and thankful that we are still holding out.  The hospital bags are packed and ready. We LOVE our midwife and are really feeling positive about working with her. I still joke every day about just delivering the baby at home (it would be my first choice if possible). Andy doesn't entertain that so much anymore because he knows how tempted I would be to try it!  We haven't found out the gender of the baby, but A.P. has picked winners of names for both.  Little t frequently talks about Baby Princess and Baby Wayne...the names A.P. has coached him on. It will be a shock for Little t when the baby comes and it will have a real name...not Princess or Wayne! It may be a shock to Andy as well!

It is getting late and I have curtains to make, so I will close for now.  Now that the ball is rolling, I will be better about blogging.  Thanks for not giving up on me and reading!