There a lot of things I should be doing right now, but it is nice to take a moment and soak up listening to my little world. Little t is puttering around the house ‘helping’ A.P. Baby Zar is snoring in her room for her nap. The wind howls outside (there were snowflakes in the air this morning!) The clock on the wall is ticking.
Yesterday I was exhausted and ready to make extreme decisions. I was more than half tempted to open the back of the truck carrying all of our belongings out of M-ville and let people take whatever they wanted…and then leave the country. A week of wrestling life alone as I sat consumed with the potential challenges of the unknown future left me exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. In an emotional conference call with our boss last night, I spilled my emotions (I am very good at that) and raised alarm on all of our parts.
Being the wise man that he is, A.P. encouraged me to take a step back, look at things from a different vantage point, and relax before making more extreme statements and decisions (giving away all of our things, writing off options for the future, crying my eyes out when Baby Zar woke again for the billionth time last night). He listented to my frustration and emotion and didn’t belittle me for it, but also helped me to take a breath.
It is true. The last week was not an easy one for me. I am very much a ‘see the tree instead of the forest’ person anyway. So the problems of life consume me easily in the moment and I lose sight of the big picture. I also tend to take things to the extreme (my parents and husband are laughing at this right now). For example…I kicked myself all week because it quickly became obvious that if I couldn’t handle my current situation I would never make a good refugee. And obviously that makes me a terrible and weak person. I can’t help you follow the logic of this thinking…but suffice it to say it wasn’t a helpful realization in the midst of my crazy week. A.P. calmly (probably while stifling a laugh at my ridiculousness) helped me see that it wasn’t the most important or positive thing for me to focus on while trying to take care of my two kids in the challenging circumstances. He basically told me (in a loving way) to be realistic, stop beating myself up, and choose a different vantage point from which to see my situation.
So, I sit here this morning to rest. I have a list of 100 things that need done, but I am reminded that they don’t matter right now. I have lost sight once again of the crucial need I have to start my day and end my day and saturate my day with Jes.us. Am I the only one who has to learn this lesson over and over…and over? Jesu.s Calling this morning reminded me about letting my day be saturated with Him. I haven’t been doing that. There are diapers to change and kids to feed and Facebook to look at and laundry to do and…. And it bogs me down when it becomes my focus.
So, that is my hearts desire on this blustery day (that is making my laundry outside sopping wet…but I am not supposed to be thinking about that…). I am working to gain a different vantage point. I am desperately wanting to and needing to come back to the feet Jes.us and tackle the challenges of the day and the future from that position.
Maybe after I become better at that, I can work on my ability to be a refugee…