Deflated

3 1/2 years ago…

I still remember the morning clear as day. Sitting on a stool in my friend E’s kitchen overlooking the ocean. The view was breathtaking, but I found myself enchanted by something else.  E’s testimony about their passion and conviction and calling to work in that specific place moved me to tears. Her whole being was infused with peace as she shared the tangible ways that God had made His desires clear for them. She shared that on the really hard days (and believe me, they have had their share of really hard days…) that calling and passion is what gets them through.

I have to be honest and say that I was a little jealous. We had just limped out of a particularly challenging season of life and we weren’t exactly sure whether the doors behind us were closing or remaining open. We were tired, discouraged, feeling wounded and indifferent to all that this land had to offer us.

And there was J and E. They are not super peple or perfect, but they have a very clear calling to be where they are and doing what they do. They love where they are and what they do. I wanted that.

Going home that became the cry of my heart - that before God opened the next door He would give us a very direct call and sense of purpose for the place He was leading us to and the work there. 

It took a while. A lot of pra.ying and asking and wrestling and seeking later, we knew without a doubt that God was calling us to M-ville.  We went and it was good. It wasn’t always easy. There were painfully hard days and infuriating days. There were days that were very dark and the Enemy was obviously at work around us. But in all of that, we had peace.  It was a sweet sweet time in our lives where we enjoyed basking in God’s peace and walking in that, even though chaos was King outside the walls of our house. We were fulfilled in our work, we were growing as a family, we were growing in our relationships with friends and neighbors, spiritually we were maturing. Like our friends J and E, it came from knowing we were in the center of God's will.

Fast forward to now…

A.P. is in M-ville right now packing up our things and preparing to move them out in a few days. It will no longer be our home. Security has declined and though we deeply desire to return, leaders in our org have decided that it is not wise for us to do so.

I kind of feel like a deflated balloon. We came back ready to jump into life and work and relationship in that place. We returned with that same passion and conviction, that same calling to be a speck of light in that dark place. Yet here we sit; three hours away in a fascinating city with no local friendships and no idea what is next.

I kind of want to shake my fist in the air at God. Childish yes, but that is what I want to do.  I am questioning His reasoning, His ways. I find myself reminding Him 100 times a day about how much we loved it there, how we wanted to go back (you couldn’t drag most people there, so wanting is a big step in the right direction!) I find myself reminding Him that spiritually it is still very dark, that work-wise A.P. had a lot planned to do.  I find myself incredulous that He would take us out of that hard spot when so few will even consider it. 

But most of all, I am sad.  Tonight, I am sad for the loss of passion and calling that we had for that place.  We look at options before us, and some of them could work, but none of them speak to us right now like M-ville did (there is a far off possibility, but it is far off enough that I find it hard to think seriously about it yet).  When we visited M-ville before even moving there, I knew that we would work there someday and it moved me deeply.  The what-could-be’s that are before us right now don’t stir me in the same way. 

So, I feel like it is a quiet time. Waiting again at the feet of the Father and asking Him to fill me with His calling and passion for where He wants us next.  Quite honestly, I just want to be excited about what comes next, but I know it is a lot more than that.  The deep soul stirring is not there yet and I feel lost without it.  I beg and plead with the Giver of Life that He will stir up His passion in His time.