Torn

I had this crazy clash of two worlds as I put my baby down for a nap just now.  All swaddled and fresh, I walked him across the quiet, clean living room to lay him in his fancy battery operated swing (the one his brother and sister hated and refused to hang out in…much to the sadness of their momma’s tired arms). And in that moment, a scene flashed in my head. 

Told you Little t hated the swing! ;)

 Sitting in a stuffy room full of women who could really use a bath. The air hangs lazily and flies meander through it.  Outside, the constant chatter of children and conversation of animals provide a hum of background noise.  In the distance I hear someone being scolded and the slop of water as someone else washes laundry.  I lay my sleeping baby in a wooden swing contraption that is suspended from the ceiling.  The rope off the side is handed to a grandma who is in charge of gently pulling it so the swing sways back and forth.  Grandma will get tired after a few minutes and switch the rope to her other hand. Depending on how long the babe sleeps, she may even have to resort to the rope between her toes. I will sit on cushions and sip tea with these ladies as we talk the afternoon away.  Other ladies from the village will come and go, kids tumble in and out the door and are scolded for not playing outside quietly.  My own kids will be pulling me in different directions.  Little t will be begging to go outside and play with the sheep and village boys. Z girl will have a death grip on my leg and plead with me to not even think of leaving her sight. 

Breaking the fast with local workers

 I keep an eye on my watch because timing is of the essence.  We have to be on the road in time to make it home before nightfall. Everyone knows you don’t travel these roads when dusk hits.  But more importantly, I need to begin making out exit before the preparations for supper begin. The preparations begin long before the invitations. If you wait to be invited, you have usually waited too long.  And in a village like this, when people go out of their way to prepare a meal for you…much nicer than what they would normally eat on any given day, you kind of need to honor them.  And much like the book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” if you stay long enough for the preparations and the invitations and the eating of supper, you will definitely be working your way towards spending the night….because remember the road thing?  And also, it is just rude to leave that late.  But really, as much as I love time in the village and spending nights in the village, the thought of doing it with three children terrifies me.  I know they won’t sleep and will run around like crazy people. I know we will then have to do breakfast and most likely lunch the next day…and I don’t have the gumption for that as a momma of three living in this foreign land.  So all that to say, I plan my goodbyes early.

Back in my clean living room, I am suddenly choked up as I lay my baby in his fancy American swing.  Because as much work as going to the village is with my little people,  as much as we come home dirty and tired and stressed about potential fleas and diarrhea, we love it. But here, as I open my refrigerator to quickly find good food, as I freely take walks and let my kids play at the playground, as I soak in chu.rch and time with family, I find myself loving that too.  I find myself relishing in the life we are living right now. I am utterly enjoying not constantly taking tabs on security, not always checking that things are quiet, not going through the 10 extra steps that it takes to make life happen in that culture as a foreigner and a woman.  Once again my heart breaks and I find myself tired from the struggle of knowing which way to lean. 

On a shopping outing to the local Wal-Mart. It is busy and chaotic and a lot of work, but I LOVE shopping here!

 We honestly don’t know what the days ahead hold for us.  We don’t know where we will end up or which swing our baby will nap in.  It is something we think about and talk about and pray about constantly.  Our hearts are torn. 

We do know that God is calling us to embrace this time and place. Like I said, we are relishing in the joys of life here right now; time with our kids, time with family and friends, time to grow and learn and rest.  The last year has not been easy for us and we find God calling us to rest in Him and soak in His goodness in this place (not really in the physical sense because we have three crazy tiny people running around our house…so physical rest is kind of a joke).  So, we are committed to doing that and allowing Him to work and speak about what is next in His timing. 

Are kids are loving the ease and freedom of life here in the States. And we are finding so much join in when thriving here. This photo is actually in Paris...pretty sure I could thrive there too!

 These verses in Romans 12 have been a good challenge for us in these days:

“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply, practice playing second fiddle. Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times, pray all the harder.  Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies, no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they are happy, share tears when they are down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck up. Make friends with nobodies, don’t be the great somebody. Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone.”

We feel that learning how to better live out these verses is what we are to be about in these days.  So while we drink good coffee and play on playgrounds while soaking in the fall weather, while we dream about and long for that beautiful and crazy land we love, we will do just that.

   

The view out of our gate in Lal...it made nights of 40 below worth it!

Are You My Orphan?

As I hear the bell ring I let out a tired sigh. Part of me wished that you wouldn’t show up today.  It is cold and snowy, the kids are crabby and I just want to stay in my pajamas. As I let you in to do some work in my house, I think about the way you haunted my fragmented sleep last night.  Even though the heater was on in the kids’ room, I shivered as I sat to nurse Zara.  And as I shivered I thought of you and the people you now call family.  I thought of the way the wind whips around the hill where your house is. I thought of the 5 inch gaps that surround the window in your one room dwelling.  I thought of your thin clothes that are insufficient for fighting off the stinging cold. 

I am not sure how exactly I got tied up in your story, but I am pretty selfishly sure that I wish I wasn’t.  Every story and plea for money that you share becomes even crazier than the one before. They both tick me off and break my heart at the same time.  They tick me off because in all honesty, I don’t want to be burdened by your problems and the seemingly impossible task of finding a solution that will both empower you and bring justice to your oppressors. I would much rather hole up in my warm house for the winter and pretend that I didn’t need to worry about the cold, hungry and lonely souls around me. Because that is just messy. And I don’t like messy. 

But the non-Grinch part of me hurts for you.  I hurt every time I see your body quaking from the cold when I open the door. I hurt every time I tell you I won’t give you another loan…because I don’t know what that no means for your wellbeing tonight. I hurt when I see you hungrily eat a piece of naan and wonder if your belly is ever full.  I hurt when I think the pressure that sits on your thin 13 year old shoulders; to work or plead or beg for money to feed hungry mouths and fill greedy hands.  I hurt when I think of your loss; your mother who has died, your father who is absent, your three young brothers living elsewhere.  I hurt because I want to give you the world, but at the same time I don’t want to give you anything.

I don’t know how to reconcile where we stand these days.  As much as I want to pretend that you don’t exist, my heart can’t and won’t let that happen.  It has a lot to do with the fact that my Holy Book says that there is no better way for me to spend my life than by helping people like you.  It is messy, painful, costly and thankless work. But my heart won’t fully rest until I am in the middle of the mess.

I know the answer to the question before I even ask it.  Are you my orphan?  You are.  You have the potential to help me more than I could ever help you. And so we will continue to walk this bumpy messy road together.

God's Water

Sometimes when we are juggling our crazy kids, and crazy travel schedule and crazy life, we look back and wish we had take advantage of when things were a little easier.  Why didn’t we travel more before we had to worry about teething and diapers and the messed up sleep schedules of four people instead of just two? 

One of the biggest things we have learned while living overseas is to get something when you see it.  I can’t tell you how many times I have seen something in the bazaar and thought, “I think I would really like that…I will go home and think on it and come back to get it if I still feel that way in a few days.” That never works, because that thing is always gone. Always.   So, we are trying to integrate thing thinking into other areas of our life as well. We are learning to take advantage of opportunities when we have them, no matter how crazy or exhausting they seem in the moment.  I know it is cliché to say that our days are numbered, but we really feel that in this place.  We count it a unique gift to be able to be here and we don’t know how long that will last.  So, we are working on seizing the day.

For a while I have kicked myself that we didn’t seize the day when we lived in Lal. We had the opportunity to visit Band-e-Amir and we didn’t take it. We were tired from traveling to the village so much and tired of being sick, and tired of our staff….so when the staff trip happened we said no thanks and stayed home to sleep in.  But looking back, we were sad we didn’t take advantage of seeing this place that so many rave about. 

Fast forward to two months ago and we found ourselves in Lal again.  We had a great time re-visiting that place that was so foundational in our growth and introduction into this land.  After two weeks there, we loaded up into a LandCruiser and took off across the mountains with 40 of our staff (and their kids) in search of Bande Amir. 

Band-e-Amir is a chain of seven lakes that are literally in the middle of nowhere. They are not man-made…they are a Gift from God. Only God knows how they got there. Only God knows how deep they are. Only God knows how he lined the lakes with Lapis Lazuli (obviously how they became so blue in color). Only God knows all of the healing properties that the waters hold.  Our staff reverently reminded us of these things on our way there. 

The trip was not easy. One car broke down…in the middle of nowhere.  We crammed a bunch more people in and kept going.  A long long time later we arrived and were met with breathtaking views of the bluest water we had ever laid eyes on.

We made our way to the bazaar area and found a tea house to camp out in.  We felt very spoiled to have a whole room for our family. Because of my gifting in attracting fleas, we spent a LONG time dousing our room and all of the cushions, etc. In flea powder and ourselves in bug spray.  God still does miracles because I walked out of three nights in that place with only one flea bite. 

The next few days were spent hiking, exploring, swimming and spending time with our staff.  We had a fantastic time and are SO glad that we too advantage of the opportunity to go.  It was so much fun!  I will leave you with a few photos of the beautiful place.

The sunset view our first night there

You can rent paddle boats to take out on the water

Little T and A.P. Marvelling at the beauty of the water. 

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The Little Lady got worn out with all the hiking

Little T and Mr. Renee feeding the fish

Little T in his happy place

The son of one of our staff members. He and Little T became fast friends

The beauty was really unbelievable

We went to another one of the lakes to swim in the frigid water. Such a fantastic adventure!