A Different Vantage Point

There a lot of things I should be doing right now, but it is nice to take a moment and soak up listening to my little world. Little t is puttering around the house ‘helping’ A.P.  Baby Zar is snoring in her room for her nap. The wind howls outside (there were snowflakes in the air this morning!) The clock on the wall is ticking. 

Yesterday I was exhausted and ready to make extreme decisions. I was more than half tempted to open the back of the truck carrying all of our belongings out of M-ville and let people take whatever they wanted…and then leave the country. A week of wrestling life alone as I sat consumed with the potential challenges of the unknown future left me exhausted and ready to throw in the towel.  In an emotional conference call with our boss last night, I spilled my emotions (I am very good at that) and raised alarm on all of our parts. 

Being the wise man that he is, A.P. encouraged me to take a step back, look at things from a different vantage point, and relax before making more extreme statements and decisions (giving away all of our things, writing off options for the future, crying my eyes out when Baby Zar woke again for the billionth time last night).  He listented to my frustration and emotion and didn’t belittle me for it, but also helped me to take a breath.

It is true. The last week was not an easy one for me. I am very much a ‘see the tree instead of the forest’ person anyway. So the problems of life consume me easily in the moment and I lose sight of the big picture. I also tend to take things to the extreme (my parents and husband are laughing at this right now). For example…I kicked myself all week because it quickly became obvious that if I couldn’t handle my current situation I would never make a good refugee. And obviously that makes me a terrible and weak person.  I can’t help you follow the logic of this thinking…but suffice it to say it wasn’t a helpful realization in the midst of my crazy week. A.P. calmly (probably while stifling a laugh at my ridiculousness) helped me see that it wasn’t the most important or positive thing for me to focus on while trying to take care of my two kids in the challenging circumstances.  He basically told me (in a loving way) to be realistic, stop beating myself up, and choose a different vantage point from which to see my situation.

So, I sit here this morning to rest.  I have a list of 100 things that need done, but I am reminded that they don’t matter right now.  I have lost sight once again of the crucial need I have to start my day and end my day and saturate my day with Jes.us. Am I the only one who has to learn this lesson over and over…and over? Jesu.s Calling this morning reminded me about letting my day be saturated with Him.  I haven’t been doing that.  There are diapers to change and kids to feed and Facebook to look at and laundry to do and….  And it bogs me down when it becomes my focus. 

So, that is my hearts desire on this blustery day (that is making my laundry outside sopping wet…but I am not supposed to be thinking about that…).  I am working to gain a different vantage point. I am desperately wanting to and needing to come back to the feet Jes.us and tackle the challenges of the day and the future from that position.  

Maybe after I become better at that,  I can work on my ability to be a refugee…

Deflated

3 1/2 years ago…

I still remember the morning clear as day. Sitting on a stool in my friend E’s kitchen overlooking the ocean. The view was breathtaking, but I found myself enchanted by something else.  E’s testimony about their passion and conviction and calling to work in that specific place moved me to tears. Her whole being was infused with peace as she shared the tangible ways that God had made His desires clear for them. She shared that on the really hard days (and believe me, they have had their share of really hard days…) that calling and passion is what gets them through.

I have to be honest and say that I was a little jealous. We had just limped out of a particularly challenging season of life and we weren’t exactly sure whether the doors behind us were closing or remaining open. We were tired, discouraged, feeling wounded and indifferent to all that this land had to offer us.

And there was J and E. They are not super peple or perfect, but they have a very clear calling to be where they are and doing what they do. They love where they are and what they do. I wanted that.

Going home that became the cry of my heart - that before God opened the next door He would give us a very direct call and sense of purpose for the place He was leading us to and the work there. 

It took a while. A lot of pra.ying and asking and wrestling and seeking later, we knew without a doubt that God was calling us to M-ville.  We went and it was good. It wasn’t always easy. There were painfully hard days and infuriating days. There were days that were very dark and the Enemy was obviously at work around us. But in all of that, we had peace.  It was a sweet sweet time in our lives where we enjoyed basking in God’s peace and walking in that, even though chaos was King outside the walls of our house. We were fulfilled in our work, we were growing as a family, we were growing in our relationships with friends and neighbors, spiritually we were maturing. Like our friends J and E, it came from knowing we were in the center of God's will.

Fast forward to now…

A.P. is in M-ville right now packing up our things and preparing to move them out in a few days. It will no longer be our home. Security has declined and though we deeply desire to return, leaders in our org have decided that it is not wise for us to do so.

I kind of feel like a deflated balloon. We came back ready to jump into life and work and relationship in that place. We returned with that same passion and conviction, that same calling to be a speck of light in that dark place. Yet here we sit; three hours away in a fascinating city with no local friendships and no idea what is next.

I kind of want to shake my fist in the air at God. Childish yes, but that is what I want to do.  I am questioning His reasoning, His ways. I find myself reminding Him 100 times a day about how much we loved it there, how we wanted to go back (you couldn’t drag most people there, so wanting is a big step in the right direction!) I find myself reminding Him that spiritually it is still very dark, that work-wise A.P. had a lot planned to do.  I find myself incredulous that He would take us out of that hard spot when so few will even consider it. 

But most of all, I am sad.  Tonight, I am sad for the loss of passion and calling that we had for that place.  We look at options before us, and some of them could work, but none of them speak to us right now like M-ville did (there is a far off possibility, but it is far off enough that I find it hard to think seriously about it yet).  When we visited M-ville before even moving there, I knew that we would work there someday and it moved me deeply.  The what-could-be’s that are before us right now don’t stir me in the same way. 

So, I feel like it is a quiet time. Waiting again at the feet of the Father and asking Him to fill me with His calling and passion for where He wants us next.  Quite honestly, I just want to be excited about what comes next, but I know it is a lot more than that.  The deep soul stirring is not there yet and I feel lost without it.  I beg and plead with the Giver of Life that He will stir up His passion in His time.  

Loving It

Darkness is falling around this little house we are occupying for these weeks. The electricity is not back on, so the house slips into the inkiness. Music pours out of the i-pod and the $5 speakers we bought on a whim.   We all squeal with delight as kAkA brings an old fashioned lantern and hangs it on the tree outside the kitchen window.  He probably thinks we are the oddest people.  The three candles I could find in the house are lit on the island.  They illminate the potatoes I peel for supper.

 

A.P. bounces Baby Zar on his knee as he helps Little t put together a puzzle.  They both wear headlights. They giggle together about a piece that found it’s home before resuming their conversation.  The very serious matter of peeing in the toilet and ‘big boy unnies’ and a new bike are at hand.  A.P. says we will go broke if we continue to buy diapers in this land, so a bike (as a reward for potty training) would be cheaper in the long run.

Suddenly the bulb on the outside wall flicks on – a signal of restored power, but the house continues to be enveloped in darkeness. In the words of A.P. ‘this isn’t our first rodeo', so when the power went off last night we turned all of the lights off before going to bed.  The sweetness of returning power is lessened when the glare of lights left on wakes you up in the middle of the night!

I reach for the switch and then stop. My little family…my world…cozy and happy together by candelight. Why invade on this memory with a gleaming bulb?  So I return to my potatoes with a smile plastered across my face. 

The sweetness of the momet is not lost of me and I mentally take note of it.  I want to savor it for the hard days, the heartbreaking days, the insane days. But in the moment, the joy that threatens to burst through is so so good! 

I am so humbled by the blessing of the Father. Here I am; living my dream of life in a foreign land, a good man to lead me and babies to love. It just doesn’t get any better than that. 

***Maybe this incident feels especially special given the uncertainty of what is next for us and the grieving we are doing over what we are being asked to let go of in these days. I have tried to write about this, but have failed until now.  Here is a good post A.P. wrote about it:  http://positivechangebythepeople.blogspot.com/2012/11/i-dont-cry-but-if-i-did-now-would-be.html***

Life Is Good

Life is good. The end. 

I was half tempted to just write that and call it a blog post, but I know it won’t suffice. Once again, I sit here trying to sum up many weeks and tons of transitions into one post and it is overwhelming.  Here is a brief rundown to bring you up to speed.

We made the journey to this side of the world just over two weeks ago.  It went better than we expected, I think. The goodbyes are never easy. While they are hard with kids, they are also somewhat easier because a crying baby and a rambunctious toddler disract me from the tears that are always dangerously close to falling if I think about it too much. 

The kids did great on the trip.  Our layovers were short and sweet…me vowing the whole time that I will never travel with this much junk again.  But then again, the next time I travel, I know my mantra will be the same.  Little t was at a fantastic age for traveling. He was just old enough to listen and understand things like ‘please don’t get out of your chair and bolt down the aisle of the plane when it is taking off’ and ‘don’t kick the seat in front of you’. He aggravated us very little and other people only a few times and really it wasn’t even his fault (but he is my son and it never is, right?!?). Baby Zar did well also. The hard work we had put into sleep training paid off after the flights, but on the flights, she was not a happy camper when she had to be held to sleep. We survived in the end. 

We had a night in Dubai that was great. Manda had never been to Dubai, so we had to take advantage of the time and show her around. We did a little shopping/sightseeing. We then called it a night…in which we were all up and tired to the bone.

The next morning, we got to the airport for our flight feeling like a million bucks.  Seriously, that night of semi-sleep was priceless.  Some of our co-travellers had not gotten that rest and were not thrilled to be flying with our children but we all survived in the end. 

K-town was busy and dusty and dirty and beautiful as always. We stayed with good friends who have boys who are 4 and 2 (who Little t loves) and a little girl 3 days younger than Baby Zar (we had the same due date).  It was good to connect with friends and teammates in that city.

It was also a heartbreaking time because more information came to the surface about the state of things in M-ville and it isn’t good. The troop pullout this summer has been a wildcard that we have been nervously awaiting for a while. When it happened, the tenous security balance teetered out of control.  A large suicide bombing, some assassinations, the kidnapping of some NGO workers, and infighting all came to a head in the span of 2 months. It left our leadership team seriously re-evaluating the place of our NGO in that setting and their first concern were families in that region.  In a meeting with leaders they very seriously addressed their concern for sending us back.  We acknowledged their concern as our hearts were breaking.  We have come to love that place and it’s people more and more each day.  We were so excited to return and dive into relationships again. We left the meetings and K-town with heavy hearts and no clarity or answers.  Since then we have been informed that we will not be able to return to M-ville for the next two years. We are no closer to answers as to what that means for our next steps. Please pr.ay for this with us.

At this point, I sit in the kitchen of a house that has housed people in our organization for years.  We followed through with our plan to come to the North (enduring a terrible experience in the airport in K-town…but every experience there is terrible so if I wrote about it again, It would just be old news to you). Yesterday I heard tales of people (real life heroes of ours) who have lived in this house through the last dozen years.  I met a sweet local couple who grew up in Lal and worked with Grandma Martha there years ago. 

In the midst of all of the unknowns, I am thankful once again to be a part of this organization that is leaving such a legacy of love and service in this land. 

We honestly do not know what tomorrow holds.  Our plan to be in this house for two months and then return to M-ville is on hold (the family we were so desperately hoping would join us has backed out).  Even if security improves, they will not let us return right now. We are exploring other options and enjoying life for what it is right now – time with our kids, time with Manda, getting to know the chAwkidars, enjoying having friends close. Life is good. 

I have been reading the book Jesus Calling and I swear she wrote the entries in the last two weeks just for us.  God is so good to bring reminders of His plan in such beautiful ways.  We will keep you posted on what that looks like in coming days!  These verses have meant a lot to us during this time:

“The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him.”  John 8:29

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:4

It is nighttime...

It is 1 am and the house is quiet. The rest of the family sleeps...for now. My body is tired, but my brain continues to go in a million different directions. Lists of what needs to be packed, what needs to be done, who needs to be seen, who needs to be called, what can't forgotten, clog my head.  So much left to do and the minutes tick by.

I struggle with the last days before a major transition. I just want it to be over. If there was a magic wand for goodbyes and packing I would spend a lot of money on it because it is really hard for me. I would rather pretend it doesn't need to happen...but that makes for a really tired and stressed me and a really crabby husband, so I need to get down to business.

We are ready to head back, but face uncertainty as always.  For once in our lives it would be nice to have a little bit of clarity and sanity...but then again what fun would that be, right?

Two weeks ago right before A.P. returned, we Skyped and he sent me photos of our new house in M-ville. It included the renovations that had been made (don't get excited...nothing fancy...just patching holes in ceilings, etc) and the crazy paint colors that were on the walls.  I was excited.  I have packed and planned with that house in mind.  I should have known better.

Last week a bomb ripped through the heart of our city. Killing at least 50 and wounding at least 50 more.  Once again, our plans to return to that city are on hold.  We will still move to the city (Maz) 3 hours away as we have been planning for a while. In the beginning we planned on being in Maz a month or two while we waited for our teammates to return from home assignment.  Now, security takes a nasty turn and we are left wondering how long we will be stationed there.  We have friends and a good community in Maz, so we can't complain, but it still makes us sad.  It is hard to think about friends who grieve in M-ville. It is hard to think about the fantastic interaction A.P. had with those people there and the doors that God is opening in people's lives and how this latest incident could really put a kink into what we think He is doing there.  But then again, He knows better than us how He is working in that place. And He is bigger than bombs and our meager efforts...thankfully.

My eyes are drooping and Baby Zar is stirring.  Hopefully we can both find sleep again soon...

Going To War

His bags sit packed by the door. He walks down with his uniform on. The trusty khaki pants he has worn for years are present once again. His usually brown sweater has been upgraded after much prodding and the new one looks just as good. He shugs into his khaki coat and picks up the bags.  I turn away as he walks to the door, trying to find something to busy myself with so I don’t think about the separation that inches closer with each passing second.  I pick up the baby and cover her in kisses.  She deserves more than usual today.  She laughed for her daddy for the first time this morning, something I had been begging her to do for weeks.  I was desperate for him to hear this before the distance between them grew. She obliged.  I cried and thanked Jes.us. Such a simple, but beautiful gift. 

The bags are in the car. A few last minute things and we are on the road.  We talk and laugh, savoring our moments together.  Before we know it, the airport is in sight and the sad lump in my stomach grows.  We walk in together and go through the motions…but only half go through the motions.  How many times have we travelled together and now one staying behind feels incomplete. 

My battle with my eyes is useless.  I am too tired, and too emotional and love this man too much to not cry.  He spends a few minutes wooing his daughther while I go to the bathroom to try to get ahold of myself….and prolong the goodbye that is just around the bend.  I come back out and find my way into his embrace as I have countless times before. I half jokingly tell him to stay.  He whispers words of love to my heart and I could stay wrapped up in him forever.  We kiss, and he wipes my tears and nods.  He turns to go and I do the same. 

We both look over our shoulders one last time as we reach the last point of visibility.  It is just a glance, (one we both knew we should’t take, but both knew we had to take), but it encapsulates so much; years and babies, and moves and tears and deep deep love.  The glance says it all and then he is gone. 

I find my way to the car and busy myself with nursing the sweet girl that lays in my arms.  The tears come and I let them fall freely. I silently repeat the mantra, “it’s only three weeks” but in my heart it feels like an eternity.

As much as my heart breaks in those moments, I am resolute that we are doing the right thing. I thank Jes.us for the peace and clarity and passion that He has bestowed. I thank God for the unity of heart that He has given and for the call of Him on our lives. I think about our wedding bands and what we inscribed for each other: (mine) “Love Jes.us with me” and (his) “may our hearts forever break as one”.

I thank Jes.us that my man goes to fight with love and kindness, with transformation and the Spirit as opposed to weapons and force.

The battle rages on all sides; the enemy runs rampant and seeks to ruin.  We fight against fear and prejudice, against ignorance and intolerance. We gird ourselves with the Word and with prayer. 

There is too much at stake to chicken out and stay home. As much as I long for his arms to stay wrapped around me, I am desperate for him to be about the work of the Father even more. Restoration and transformation are too important. Children on both sides of the divide deserve peace and it won’t come if the chasm between them only continues to widen.

And so we fight. 

We fight against lies that are whispered – taunting that they aren’t people and have no value.  

We fight against fear that keeps people from seeking peace. 

We fight against the Enemy who keeps people trapped in his snare. 

We fight against poverty and hopelessness and despair by bringing water and soap and jobs and a glimmer of hope. 

We fight against the status quo by laying aside the American dream to step out on the water.  

We fight against the doubt that says we are bad parents for taking our kids there.  

We fight against the fear that we aren’t good enough to ever make a difference.  

We fight against the quicksand of fear and misunderstanding and intolerance.  

__________________________

We fight for Jes.us and the beauty that His lifegiving Spirit brings. 

We fight for people. 

We fight for our kids- that they will grow up with eyes to see the world and hearts and respond to its’ deep needs.  

We fight for freedom and the Spirit of the Lord that brings it.  

We fight for justice – that redemption would be found.  

We fight for understanding - that the clash of lies would be quieted and true words would ring forth.  

We fight for joy – that it would be seen in us and through us.  

We fight for love – that its power would prevail. 

We fight for hope – because it is our only leg to stand on. 

And so I send him to war and peace reigns in my heart.

Snippets

Hello world! Let me just start by saying that I am not happy that I have become a person that blogs once a month. I so want to be doing this more often...but life happens.  Traveling, and little ones, and planning, and traveling, and life, and friends, and traveling, and cleaning, and traveling.  It wears a girl out! As much as I have wanted to post more (like I have a 3 1/2 month old daughter that I have written about only 2 times...sad) I just haven't sat down to do it.

It isn't that I haven't done a lot of sitting lately. Baby Zar would be happiest if I sat and rocked her all day. But it is hard to type one handed. And tackling a blog post in such a position was too daunting a task for me to take on.  That and the fact that I am tired these days...so I usually get to the computer, all ready to write something brilliant and then I stare at it and get no further.

So, all that to say: don't give up on me (I will be back next month...just kidding!)  I really want to work on posting more often. It is good for me.

Like I said, things have been busy around here. We are finally done with all of our big traveling and settling back into somewhat of a routine.  The kids did fantastic with all of the travel.  Little t never missed a beat as we went to different chur.chs each week. He would skip right into Sunday School or the nursery and make new friends easily.  He is amazing and we adore him.  Baby Zar did well also. She isn't that great in the car (which made the trip to Wyoming and back really fun...) so that has been painful at times. I do feel like she is getting better and mellowing out, so that is a huge plus!

We had a fantastic time with my parents in Wyoming.  We enjoyed good food and time together.  The trees were changing colors and were so beautiful. The whole week we were there it was still and warm...the weather was perfect.  Little t and Baby Zar fought over the attention of my youngest brother, Tate.  They both adore him as well as my parents. It was a very very special time with them.

The beginning of September, we went to visit some college friends of ours who work in our part of the world.  It was great to connect with people who 'get' what it is like to live in a context like ours. All of the talk about where we work made us even more excited to go back.

We were also able to go to the Wisconsin Dells with A.P.'s mom's side of the family. Little t had a blast in the water and Baby Zar got in on a little water action as well.

These days, A.P. and Little t make the rounds in the combine and tractor as much as they can. Harvest is in full swing here in our area and Little t is in heaven. He goes from one thing to the next and begs each day to go to the farm.

We are busy gearing up for our return to M-ville.  A.P. leaves on Thursday and will be gone for 3 weeks. He will return to A-stan to attend meetings, check on his projects, and begin setting up our house.  Notice I said, A.P. will be going...meaning the rest of us will be here.  I have never done three weeks on my own with two kids before and am kinda nervous.  So, you can be thinking of us in the weeks to come.  I am most nervous about how Little t will handle his Daddy being gone.  They are pretty much inseparable when A.P. is home. I can imagine it won't go over too well when he finds out Dad isn't coming home for a while...especially when he learns that Dad went to M-ville on a plane. Little t asks most days if he can do that, so I think he is going to feel left out! But, we really do believe that this will be a good time.  It will be important that A.P. gets things accomplished before we all go over the beginning of November.

When I get stressed, I tend to purge things from my house.  The timing for this is perfect right now because next weekend is the City Wide (our 'city' if 150 people) Garage Sales here.  So, we will be having a garage sale.  It is actually good that A.P. is leaving because he puts a damper on my garage sale efforts.  My packrat husband goes through the piles I have set aside to sell and vetoes many of the things I try to get rid of.  "What? These pants you have had since junior high? You don't want to keep them?!?"  "No way! You can't get rid of that shirt that I told you was too girly for Little t to wear and and not girly enough for Baby Zar to wear!"  "I know Little t never played with that toy from Mc.Donalds, but what if he needs it some day!"   You think I am kidding...   Really though, there is much sorting and tossing going on around our house.   I keep telling myself that I need to get back in the third world mindset where I don't need a lot of stuff. I have been here too long and now think I need all of these fancy/nice things to survive.  I need to get back to reality.

One of the best things I have done in my adult life is to join and online Bib.le study/accountability group. It is women from all over the globe who keep each other accountable to do morning study and pray.er  This is the second phase I have done it and I love it.  Granted, I am not consistent every morning, but it has been so good to have that accountability and encouragement.  We are studying 1 Peter and it is SO good.  Usually I don't make it up before Baby Zar does (though that is my goal). Her super sensitive momma radar usually goes off when I even begin thinking about rolling out of bed.  So, we spend the quiet time together.  I read as I nurse her and then I read aloud to her.  I am encouraged by this as I feel like I have been a slacker in that department.  So often, I find myself at the end of the day saying, "I didn't pray with or for my kids enough today." "we should have read the Bib.le together as opposed another truck book."  Maybe you are surprised to hear that someone of my vocation isn't super spiritual like that.  It is one thing I really really desire to work on...to teach my kids Truth in very intentional and focused ways each day.  Back to the study - I am growing a lot and excited to pass that on to my children.

Whew! This is long and I need to wrap it up! Stay tuned for some pictures of the cutest kids on the planet.  Thanks for reading and for your patience!

Pushing and Pulling

I wrote this a few weeks ago and never posted it, but it still applies...

It is a perfect summer night. The oppressive heat of the day has given way to a lazy breeze that brings some relief from the mugginess.  Darkness begins to invade the edges of town and people become brave enough to step out of their cool houses.  Hoses start up in an effort to give relief to thirsty plants and flowers, feet meander up and down streets, neighbors wave and greet each other. 

Little t and Baby Zar and I are finally free from the confines of our house.  All day long we have waited for a chance to brave the outdoors.  If not for Baby Zar we could have been out a few hours ago, but her little body is already covered in heat rash and she needs cooler temps. 

Those cooler temps have arrived, so we venture outside. We water the flowers, wave to the sheriff as he passes by, check on the baby birds in the nest and pick crabapples off the tree.  We load up the stroller and go check the train tracks before saying hello to friends across town. 

By the time we return home darkness has enveloped us. Fireflies draw Little t into our grassy yard and he runs around squealing with delight.  Baby Zar is still sleeping, wrapped close to my body.  I am feeling tired and ready for a break from little people.  I know that my chances are slim that I can get Little t into bed and have any moments of quiet before Baby Zar wakes up to eat and start her nighttime routine.  It is late and I am feeling antsy. 

I prod Little t along, telling him it is time to come inside. My voice gets more and more stern with each plea.  He seems oblivious to anything but the twinkling bugs that float just out of his grasp.  I grow impatient and bossy. He gives me a glance and an ‘Okay Momma’ as he takes one step in my direction.  Another light blinks to his left and he is off across the grass in pursuit.  I am sweating bullets, frustrated and done playing games.  With sharpness in my voice, I once again tell him to come inside, that it is late and I am tired of him not listening.  I count to three, I bribe him, I beg and plead, finally I direct him inside with a hand on his arm. He hates it and I get even more upset. 

The wrestling continues through a poopy diaper, a quick shower, reading a book and turning out the light.  My frustration with the cutest little boy in the world escalates with each second that ticks by. By the time I walk out of his room after final kisses and hugs I am exhausted and suffering from a majorly bad attitude.  I grumble to myself about his behavior and how unfair it is to me. 

Later that night as I lay in bed feeing Baby Zar, God brings the evening back to mind and convicts me of the way I handled it.  See, Little t is a really really great kid. I know I am biased, but for the most part he is pretty outstanding.  He is adaptable and gracious with us as parents.  He does well at taking our crazy lifestyle in stride and usually does so with a smile on his face.  I know this, but I found myself grumbling about him all evening.  He wasn’t fast enough, he didn’t listen enough, he just wanted to do his own thing, he didn’t respect my requests of him, he took advantage of me giving him a little extra time to play outside, etc. 

But in those moments, I heard God saying, “you can’t blame Little t for something that he doesn’t understand or have control over.  He has no concept of time or what it means to be late.  You are his mom and it is your job to help lead him into good practices.  If you wanted him in bed 15 minutes earlier, you should have left 15 minutes earlier.”  I realized that I was in the wrong.  I have a tendency to push things to the limit but yet be frustrated when there is no give or things don’t go my way.  I thought back over the last few weeks and how often I have not gently helped Little t along, and then been angry with him when he dawdled or when I got tired, or his time infringed on mine, etc.   It was a good reminder for me of how I need to be molding and shaping him, but also how I can’t get upset with him for something that is largely my responsibility. 

It has also opened my eyes to my relationship with my heavenly Father.  I see myself as both Tariq and I.  I get anxious and antsy…I play the impatient one when I comes to the future and God’s direction.  I constantly find myself trying to pull my weight in decisions and wishing God would reveal the next steps just a little faster.  I also like Tariq get so easily distracted and swayed by the tiniest little things along the journey.  God never nags, but I wonder how often He is patiently waiting for me to  put one foot in front of the other and step out in faith as He leads. All while I am dawdling, getting caught up in meaningless things of the day to day…my mind drifting from Him.  

These days are busy and overwhelming.  I want to love my family and grace and patience, but I fall so short.  I want to wait patiently for the next steps, but I wring my hands and fret.  I want to ‘be still and know that He is God.’ But I so often jump ahead.  I am working hard to bring the pushing and pulling to a halt and rest in Him instead.  

Checking In

I have actual blog posts in mind, but wanted to take a moment to check in…for anyone who still makes sure I am still alive on here! J 

It is a rare moment that both kids are sleeping and I still have a little bit of energy for doing something like writing this post. 

Things are going well with us.  Things have changes a lot since Baby Zar was born and we are still most definitely in adjustment mode, but we are making it day by day.  We are so thankful for friends and family who have pitched in big time.  Little t has spent great time with Grandparents Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and we are so thankful for that.  He now asks every morning if he can go to the farm. We are thankful that he loves life here. 

Baby Zar is doing well.  She is growing lots and her cheeks are getting chubbier.  The hot weather has blessed her with crazy heat rash, so most days her little face is broken out.  She is a good eater and a good sleeper…I am scared to say that for fear of jinxing my good luck!  She has started smiling and is interacting more which is really fun. 

The adjustment to being parents of two has been a big one for us.  There have been times where we are overwhelmed by the needs of two little people and the demands of life and forget each other in the clamor.  We are reminded each day of how much we need each other and need to work together.  I am daily amazed and blessed with A.P.’s patience and love for all of us and his continual commitment to keeping life running smoothly as well as helping out with Little t and being there in so many ways.  I am a very blessed woman. 

There are times when we look at each other and wonder how we will ever make it in A-stan without the help of family and friends.  At times it is overwhelming to think of the future – still so up in the air - and try to imagine transitioning two little people well into the unknown.  It is times like this that we have to remember to slow down and focus on today and on God’s perfect plan.  Getting ahead of Him only makes us anxious and fretful.  There is peace in His ways that unfold gently.

This weekend marked the beginning of busy season…we are completely booked with traveling for family events or speaking events each weekend until the middle of September.  It is overwhelming…but we have to take it one day at a time.  We are excited about time with family coming up. We have a reunion with A.P.s family this weekend and with mine the next.  We get to spend a week at a very powerful conference and spend time with some of our very best friends.  We get to speak at some great chu.rchs and events.  We are looking forward to it all. 

Like I said, the future is very much up in the air (but would you expect any different from us?)  at this point in time.  We hope to return in the fall, but there are pieces that need to fall into place before that can happen.  Many many times during the day, our thoughts turn to that land and it’s people.  We are torn…as much as we love life here – close to family and friends and fellowship…our hearts ache for that place. It is our calling and has gripped us tightly.  We know for this phase of our lives, we belong there. 

I hope to post more consistently in the coming weeks. If you have questions about our life or topics you would like me to touch on, please leave a comment and I will do my best.  

Time Marches On

It is the middle of the night and I am up once again with a cranky baby.  Two hours have gone by. I have nursed her, changed her, burped her, changed her, burped her, swaddled her, burped her, shushed her and broken into tears as I lay her down and she once again will not let her exhausted little body give in to sleep.  It is in these moments that I tell myself I can’t wait until this phase is over. I know that down the road she will sleep, but the minutes tick by like agony. 

I wake up late thanks to A.P. who is sweet enough to take morning duty with the munchkins so I can snooze. I am grumpy and discouraged, wondering when this grueling phase of Baby Zar’s life will meld into a more restful and peaceful phase for all of us.  Crying out to Jesus these days is (sadly) the farthest thing from my weak and tired and mind. I read Jesus Calling as I eat cereal and it was obviously written for me for today:

Jesus Calling  June 27

Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded with uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all of your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go. 

In my exhaustion, I have desperately wished that this time would fly by. But how selfish and shortsided of me! To wish away the beautiful middle of the night moments when my daughter snuggles in to nurse, when she looks up at me with trusting eyes and studies my face, those moments that remind me of the sacred responsibility that is mine.  And even worse, to question God’s perfect plan and presence that is evident in this stage of life. Yes, it is cripplingly exhausting, but such a gift.

Life is never certain and (as morbid as it sounds) I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or how much time I will have with this precious girl.  How selfish of me to take for granted the times that she graces my presence.  Time marches on, but I want to enjoy every minute of it. 

Introducing...

 Baby Zar
Born: June 3, 2012
Time: 6:30 a.m.
Weight: 7lbs 3.5 ozs
Length: 20 inches

Brand new

We couldn't be more thrilled that this little lady entered our family three weeks ago.  It has been a whirlwind of adjustment, but also a time filled with much happiness and joy. We are getting to know each other and enjoying every minute of it...even the ones filled with screaming! She is a great baby and we are so thankful for an amazing toddler who has really done well with the adjustment.  He is crazy about his sister!  

Time with Daddy in the hospital

Zar is not our little lady's real name. It is close, so it is the nickname I will use for her here on the blog.  This is what Little t has started calling her and I think it pretty cute.

She's a beauty

Not a day goes by that we don't realize how deeply blessed we are by being given this little treasure. We are so excited to see what big things God has in store for this little one.  We pr.ay that He will use her in mighty ways to show His goodness to those around her.  We are feeling very honored and humbled to be given the gift and responsibility of raising her and her big brother. 

In keeping with the craziness of our family - her birth was anything but normal.  I am almost done writing it and will share it soon! In the meantime I will be snuggling with this girl and smooching those perfect little cheeks! (And trying to get a little sleep too!)