Settling In

We were very happy to fly back in to Faiz on Saturday morning.  After a month in the States and time in the capital on each end of our trip, we were all ready to be in our own house and swing of things again.

The more we travel, the better we get at it. And the more we do the same things when we return home.   Little t had been pining after his own bed and his guitar for a few weeks.  He immediately searched the house for his guitar when we arrived.  He picked it up and began singing, “ohhh, we are back in Faiz and we got no worries! We are so glad to be back home in Faiz and we got no worries!”  He then proceeded to bounce from room to room, playing with his favorite toys, lounging on his bed, watching a few minutes of a movie, painting a picture, going outside to play, looking for the turtles, checking for eggs, hanging out with the chickens, etc.  He just has to cover his bases of his favorite things in the first few hours and then he can settle down! J

Baby Z also had to adjust a little to being a more proficient walker in our house.  Each room has little steps up or down. She spent most of the day learning which way to step. Poor thing fell quite a bit and was mad, but had the house conquered by the end of the day.  She was very proud of herself, thought that she could easily step over the metal grate in the sidewalk that she has been terrified of up until now.  

I used the energy of having a mostly clean house and distracted kids to wipe things down…though the dust wasn’t nearly as bad as we anticipated (thankfully) and put some things in order.  I have learned that I need to take advantage of the first week or so back home after a trip. I am always motivated to clean and organize and set things up in that week. If I don’t tackle projects then, the likelihood of them getting down is very slim.  So, I try to jump on things right away. I am excited to have brought back some fun decoration things and I am looking forward to finally putting some finishing touches on rooms.  

A.P. went to work taking care of us as he always does. He worked on fixing the shower, shopping for groceries, doing odd jobs and helping us get settled.  He is amazing. 

As happy as we are to be back, there are always quirks:  

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 -          Little t was frustrated all day with how dirty the floor was and kept asking to vacuum. I assured him that once the power came on (we only have power in the evening) we could. He kept forgetting…I kept reminding.  

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           - We are back to cloth diapering…that means extra work of rinsing diapers at night.  It is work, but worth it.

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             -Little t is easily frustrated and agitated in the first few weeks we are home. We notice more outbursts and naughtiness. It is exhausting, but good to now realize that it is part of his adjustment and he will quickly return to his happy, intense, easy-going self soon.  

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            - I am back to cooking here.  It is hard work and takes a lot of time and preparation and creativity. I am not super good at it, but my family has to eat, so I have to work at it.   It is also a sad realization that a lot of the things we love to eat (deli meat, cheese, cheese, cheese) aren’t available. My kids are picky (there, I have said it…I have been in denial about it for a long time, but it is true) and I struggle to find things they will ingest happily.

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          - I am also trying to get my hair back in the swing of not being washed every day…or every other day even.  It is a hard change to make. 

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          - Baby Zar is tired of being jostled around between beds and having some trouble sleeping. I am tired of being up a lot at night and hoping that some time in one place will help us all get more rest.  Thankfully Little T has down us on this trip that he has grown up to be a stellar sleeper, so we are hopeful that Baby Zar will get there eventually as well. 

      We don’t have any more travel planned until the spring (and we are really happy about that) so we are looking forward to settling in for the winter and getting into some good routines and having a time of growth. I am looking forward to blogging more, trying new recipes, learning more about knitting, getting back into my exercise routine and devotional routine.  Travel is fun, but I am looking forward to laying low for a while. We are happy to be settling in.    

Long Hot Days

The thermometer says it is 98.5 degrees today, but it feels hotter than that.  The summer days crawl by as we learn and grow and work together in this land.  The month of fasting is upon us and it makes everyone hungrier, a little more tired and a lot more grouchy.  I have said more than once that if I had any temptation to change religions, one month in a context like this during Ramadan would be enough to keep me from doing so.  I try to not become jaded, but it is hard.  I am quick to see the negative in people these days. That is always an indication that I need to rub shoulders with friends and neighbors more to be reminded of why we are here.

I am reading in John about  Jesus' last weeks on earth and I find His passion and focus convicting. I am quick to give in, to find excuse for taking the easy way out.  But what would happen if I stuck with it for the long haul, gave just a little more, took a risk here and there?  I am asking God to show me how to do that.

I have a lot I want to share, but felt like I needed to get the ball rolling somehow.  So, here is to more writing and less sweating!

Don't Mess With a Good Thing!

I have been in a cooking funk lately (and a blogging funk...obviously).  I like to cook, I like to branch out and try new things, but I also like for my family to eat what I make. That doesn't always happen when I try new things.  Most days I sit in my kitchen trying to figure out what to serve.  I look at my meagre pantry (I need to work on stocking it) and think about the lack of variety available in the bazaar and that makes me want to cry.  Also, I don't have a fridge, so it makes it hard because I can't cook and save for later.

We can get fresh bread all day long, so we usually have bread with something for lunch.

For supper I try to go with something more substantial, but that doesn't always happen.  Language lessons, visitors, little people and naps all take away from that goal. On days when things are really crazy, we usually resort to pancakes and eggs.  Everyone in our family loves pancakes. It is one thing that I know my kids will eat.

We have eaten pancakes a lot lately. I have tried a lot of different recipes for pancakes...some successful, others not so much.  I had a really good recipe I used for quite a while, but I lost it so I have been on the hunt for a new goodie. For us, the thicker/wheatier/heartier the pancake the better! Behold: The fantastic pancake recipe!!!

Whole Wheat Buttermilk Pancakes    From the More With Less Cookbook
original recipe (what I have written here) says it serves 3....I double it and we have the leftovers for breakfast the next day.

1 cup buttermilk (I use 1T vinegar + milk to make one cup)
2 T vegetable oil
1 egg

Add and mix only until moistened:
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup white flour
1 t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t salt

Fry in hot lightly greased skillet

I actually use 3/4 cup wheat flour and 1/4 cup wheat germ.  I find the wheat flour is nice here than white, so I don't even buy white flour.

We add eggs and fruit to the meal. We eat our with peanut butter and syrup, homemade applesauce, cherry jam, syrup, honey, lemon juice and sugar...the possibilities are endless!    Noshe Jaan (eat up!)

Living Hope

My very cute 3 year old looks at me and rolls his eyes as he mutters, ‘whatever’ under his breath.  You would have thought I had asked him to give away all of his toys instead of pick up the napkin he dropped on the floor.  I freeze. I know that I need to address this…but how. 

Once again, I am a deer caught in the headlights of parenting.  So many times during the day I find myself at a loss for how to raise this spunky child well.  How do I explain grace to a 3 year old? How do I get to the heart issues and not just get him to obey?  How do I tell him more about Jes.us.  Have I pra.yed enough for him and his sister today?  I find myself overwhelmed most days.  Dismayed that the tantrums (on both of our parts occasionally) continue and we feel like communication is falling on deaf little ears. 

I so desperately want my babies to know Jes.us and love Him, but many days I stumble through my own faith and doubt that I am passing much on.  It is times like this that discouragement sets in and my reading goes into overdrive.  I pour over books, pr.ay for insight and wisdom to stick. We plead with God to give us wisdom in our daily lives and interactions with the precious ones entrusted to us.

 Today 1 Peter 1 struck me.  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given u a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in Heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation is revealed in the last time.  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.”  

Living hope.  This is what I have. And this is what God is working in the lives of my little ones, even though my attempts are feeble. It was such a reminder of what my Heavenly Father has been speaking to me in these months – that He is infusing hope into every part of my life. His hope is what nurtures my children along. It is what nurtures me along.  I am so thankful for that reminder in these days where it feels like I am swimming upstream. 

So once again, here’s to hope…that God is working in spite of me.  That He is moving in mighty ways in my life and the lives of my family.  He is infusing hope in dark places and His light will shine.  

Here's To Hope

I am not a big resolutions person…you could have guessed that by the fact that I haven’t blogged in forever and have told myself that I want to do more blogging this year.  My husband loves my lack of follow through…he adores it.  It usually works this way:  I get a great idea and start it. I fizzle out about halfway through the project and then he graciously comes along and finishes it – mainly because he can’t handle to see it sit.  I like the idea of coming up with resolutions, filling out those forms with hopeful answers…and that is usually as far as I get.  So, more years than not, I come up with themes for my life, goals, resolutions…and forget them a few weeks in.

But this year God is placing a theme in my life that I just can’t quite shake.  Again and again, He keeps bringing the theme of Hope back into my life. 

I’ll be honest and say that it is easy for me to lean toward despair instead of hope. I mean really, look at where we live and tell me how in the world I am supposed to find hope in this madness? But I really feel like that is the challenge God has given me this year. 

At the beginning of the year I was looking at statistics on the website of the WHO (World Health Organization). I saw that this country we live in had moved down in the ranks of having the highest infant mortality rate in the world…which is a good thing. But I found myself miffed.  Those stinking African countries that just keep getting worse and worse were moving to the top of the list! This was not okay with me. 

I had to stop and check myself.  Over the next few weeks as I examined my heart, I found that the hardness and hopelessness and despair of this place had become a thing of bragging rights for me.  I mean, if I can live and survive and raise my family well in this pit, then I am somebody, right?  Hero status is a lot easier to attain at chu.rches back home when you can tell horror stories.  When was the last time you oohed and ahhed over a story from a worker in France where life is pretty cushy?  That is my point. 

I thought back to a conversation I had witnessed a few years ago. Two women (stay at home moms) who work for our organization were basically having a brag contest. They were subtly striving to win the title of who had been closer to our friends who have been murdered in this country. They went back and forth recounting all of the occasions that they had talked with these people, had supper with them, seen them on the street, breathed the same air, etc. It was ridiculous. I walked away feeling sad for them that their identity was wrapped up in this.  

As I sat bemoaning the (slowly) improving state of this country, I thought back to my friends. I realized how sad it was that my identity had become so wrapped up in the suffering and anguish of people. I want to see people as treasures and full of deep potential for good rather than statistics of despair.  

Around the time that God was working on my heart about this, I also began to hear many stories of hope and positive things that God was doing. People He was changing, lives He was touching, healings, miracles, restoration.  And God brought this word hope.  That verse, “see I am doing a new thing” has really resonated with me.  God has been faithful to give me some beautiful glimpses of what He is doing in this place and I am so thankful for that. 

So this year, that is my plan, to stick with hope.  I am excited to see how God keeps bringing stories of hope and His faithfulness to me. I smile a little each time as I stand in awe of His goodness. It is easy for me to forget what He is doing here, but He is making it glaringly obvious and I rejoice in that. 

So, here’s to hope!

Baby Zar - Catching Up

So, I have good intentions that don't always (usually don't) materialize in the fantastic things the could be.  I am sad that I don't keep up with my kids more - writing monthly updates about them, writing letters to them, writing down every milestone they reach.  If I am honest, I am doing good to keep them fed and clothed and breathing most days. And I don't buy into the whole 'the universe revolved around my kid' thing anyway. But...I realize that I have fantastic kids and should share more about them.

The night before Baby Zar was born - a bike ride and mexican food worked wonders for kicking labor into gear!

JUNE - She is here! After much waiting and longing and praying - this precious girl joined our family.  It was love at first sight and we feel so honored to be her momma and daddy.  Born very quickly in the car, Baby Zar surprised us with her beauty and grace.

Brand new...I couldn't stop kissing those cheeks!

                                 

Snuggles with Big Brother...he was smitten

She slept a lot. I stared a lot

 JULY - 1 Month - Baby Zar took her first big road trip, saw her first parade, met lots of family and friends and just blessed us in general.

Enjoying the early morning light...the girl had such sweet expressions when she was a wee one

Baby Zar and Ma (my Grandma). She couldn't get enough of Baby Zar and it was so special to see them together

AUGUST - 2 Months  We enjoyed traveling, and exploring and the beauty of summer.  We spent a lot of time with family and loved watching our kids change and grow.  Baby Zar continued to mellow out and we continued to fall in love with her more and more.

Relaxing under the big tree in our backyard...on my baby blanket

Cutie patootie

SEPTEMBER - 3 Months  Baby Zar became more alert and fun.  She took her first trip out west to Wyoming to my parents' house. She started 'talking' more and became so fun!

Such a pretty little thing

She (just like her big bro) loves her Uncle Tate!

Enjoying a fall evening

OCTOBER - 4 months - Baby Zar and big brother became good friends.  We had family photos taken and said goodbye to family and friends.

Buddies

The file on this is funny...but you get the idea. Baby Zar was so skinny still...A.P. said last night that she reminds him of an alien in this photo! :)

NOVEMBER - 5 months - Baby Zar took her first international plane trip (out of the womb) and did great.  She visited Dubai, moved to this crazy country, and started to develop more and more of a personality

Loving the mall after being cooped up in the plane for so long

Passed out in Dubai after all that travel. This store suits her... 

I still can't look at this photo without cracking up. These two are hilarious!

DECEMBER - 6 Months - Baby Zar celebrated her first Christmas, Started eating more food, met new friends and became a fashion icon.

Modeling one of her swimsuits in preparation for vacation

Enjoying being clean after a bath

JANUARY - 7 Months - Baby Zar went crazy over the walker that A.P. brought home and loved being mobile.  She tried new foods, learned to sleep better and discovered how much fun her brother was.

The girl loves hats!

The lady who worked in our house in Maz...Baby Zar was crazy about her

Baby Zar spent many chilly winter mornings looking like this...it makes me smile.

FEBRUARY - 8 Months
Baby Zar spent her 8th month of life in Thailand...poor thing.  Actually she wasn't such a fan of having her schedule thrown off, but was a good sport as we enjoyed the beauty of that place. She explored new places and new food. She wooed everyone at the meetings we attended and Thai's swooned over her blue eyes and beautiful smile.

Experiencing the ocean for the first time.  She was a BIG fan! A few minutes after this, she fell asleep in my arms while I was waist deep in the water. 

Baby Zar quickly followed Little t's lead and loved wearing only a diaper on the warm days in Thailand

Enjoying a break in the stroller while we visited the circus

MARCH - 9 Months
Baby Zar exploded in the development department this month...much more vocal (saying Dadda and Te-ta for the men in her life, saying night night, and general babble) moving everywhere, waving to everyone, social as all get out

Wearing a pretty bow to celebrate Daddy's birthday

She scooted over to say hello - my fave jammies of her

Chilling in her diaper and all smiles for Daddy who walked through the door

Sweet baby on her 9 mo birthday

APRIL - 10 Months! Man this girl is busy! Trying to decide whether it is worth it to crawl - she has taken a few inches forward on her hands and knees.  She would much rather stand and loves to let go of whatever she is hanging onto.  She is so friendly and happy. Waves hello when we turn a computer on (because of talking on Skype) asks to be put down for naps (says nigh nigh and lays her head on her shoulder), loves 'wrestling' with her brother and is getting into movies. She says Ta Ta Ta as she points to everything, loves to wear hats, eat naan, play pica boo, and put on necklaces. She is such a sweet ray of sunshine and we are so thankful for her!

She put her necklace on herself

Tickles from Daddy - I was trying to capture her (8!!!) teeth in a photo, but have still not been successful

10 Months old today! We love you sweet girl!

It's Enough

I finally sat down and wrote in my journal this morning. I took some moments after the boys left for chu.rch and Baby Zar was still sleeping to pour out my thoughts.  I find that my spiritual health is directly connected to how much I write in my journal.  The more time I am spending in the Word, the more words I write in that book with tattered pages. I won't divulge the date of the last entry in my journey. It is embarrassing.  I have allowed my time with my Creator to slip on the priority scale.

 I don't consider it a coincidence that a reawakening in my heart has been happening at this season of new life.  All around me, life and freshness are bursting forth.  In my heart as well, God is prying back the dormant layers.

I am humbled by the gift of life and hope that He has given me.  The phrase that keeps mulling over in my heart and mind is: "It's enough."

I am quick to  try to reason with God, to justify. I am quick to throw fits because I don't get my way. I mean, isn't it enough that I live in this place, sacrifice a lot, work hard to raise my family well and engage with people here....do you really have to make both of my kids wake up early from napping and be super crazy while I am trying to wash cloth diapers???  

That may or may not (it definitely is) something I whispered shouted to God this week in the midst of a  crying baby girl, a wet bathroom and a kitchen floor covered in toilet paper snow thanks to my three year old.

But God is reworking my heart.  Because in that moment, He brought me back to Easter story that Little t and I had read earlier in the day and asked ME if that was enough.  Amidst the soapy water and screaming kids I hung my head in shame as I thought about His sacrifice for me.  How dare I think that what I give up is anything close to what He has done for me!

So in these less than perfect days of babies and dirty dishes and meeting new neighbors and spring, I am clinging to the fact that it is enough.  Truly His grace is sufficient for me.  He. died. for. me.  Please Jes.us help me learn to rest in that!

A friend posted this on Facebook and I am choosing to rest in this Truth today.

"We get that experience of God when He stretches open His arms on that Cross and cries, 'For you. For all your regrets and for all your impossibles, for all that will never be and for all that once was, for all that you can’t make right and for all that you got wrong, for your Judas failures and your Peter denials and your Lazarus griefs, I offer to take the nails, the sharp edge of everything, and offer you myself because I want you, to take you, you in your wild grief, you in your anger and your disappointment and your wounds and your not-yet-there, you, just as you are, not some improved version of you, but you – I came for you, to hold you, to carry you, to save you.'” - Ann Vokamp  

Thank you Jesus for being enough.

We took a trip

We recently traveled to Thailand for work meetings and a week of rest.  We recently returned from Thailand after a week of work meetings and a week of chasing two busy kiddos and not getting much sleep.  It wasn't actually the restful trip we had planned in the way we were thinking.  We were quickly reminded that traveling with two small kids is different than as a single or a couple.  A lot less sleeping happened than we were hoping.  We scheduled outings around naps and 6:30 bedtimes.  We ate quite blandly.  We came back tired and really ready to settle into our own house (as we had been living in someone else's house for the 3 months before that). But looking at the photos, we had a fantastic time. I will make a few posts with photos because there are several. Here is the beginning.

bathing beauty- Baby Zar got baths in the sink every day. She loved it!

Biker Boyz - A.P. rented this motorcycle and he and Little t spent many hours exploring with it

Little t wore this helmet all.the.time. His poor little head was always so sweaty, but he was always ready for a ride!

Love these babies!

The boys got us roses from a local farmer on Valentine's Day. Baby Zar was so touched by the gesture that she decided to eat hers.

One of the highlights of our trip was the 'circus' that was up the road. We stayed in a house in a subdivision of mostly older foreign people a little outside of Hua Hin (3 hours south of Bangkok). Up the hill was a Buddhist temple that had just finished major renovations. So to celebrate that as well as Chinese New Year, they had a week long celebration. All around the clock, chanting, praying, music, and noise blared from that area.  We were just far enough away that it wasn't annoying (i.e. didn't keep us up at night) but we could definitely hear it.  We went up two or three evenings to check it out. We ate street food, rode rides, shopped, and took in the busy, noisy, dusty fun of it all.  Below are some photos of that time.

Entering the circus area, which was full of stalls of food and things for sale

The temple is in those trees. The whole things was lit up with fluorescent bulbs hung from the trees.

Ferris Wheel! All 4 of us crammed in one cage and went for a ride.  

Little T loved the rides...especially the merry-go-round

He drew quite the crowd as he showed off his mad jump skills!

Baby Zar chilled most of the time - such a good baby!

Waving hi.  She waved at Little t every time he came around on the merry-go-round.  Seeing as the ride was about 10 minutes long because the operator went to take his smoke break, poor little thing's arm almost fell off!

Heard Lately...

It struck me today that some pretty funny things have been said around our house recently. I decided to share as a way to ease back into blogging...and pretend that it hasn't been over 2 months since I posted anything on here!
 - Little t has taken to calling me Pretty Lady. I am really really okay with this. He can be heard during the day saying, "hey pretty lady! want to kiss my muscles?" Really? who can resist that?

 -The chowkidar here is a very nice guy that we like a lot. He is great with Little t and does good work. I am finding it strange though that he addresses me as Said...which basically means boss or master. I don't know if it is because he can't remember my name, or if it just an impulse thing or what...but it is weird. I am beginning to toy with the idea of having Little t give him lessons in calling me pretty lady. I mean, what girl doesn't want to be called that multiple times a day?!?

 -DaDaDaDADADADADA! This is what we hear from Baby Z all day. She loves her daddy and isn't afraid to let us know! She also waves when someone says hi, bye or salaam. She is babbling up a storm, but Dada is definitely her first word.

 -Little t was talking with my parents on Skype the other morning and very seriously informed them that he is going to be a policeman when he grows up. My mom asked what Baby Zar is going to be. Without skipping a beat Little t replied, "A giraffe!"

 -Later in the conversation my brother joined and told Little t that he decided to be a giraffe when he grows up. Little t said "wow! cool!" Tate asked Little t what Baby Zar was going to be and he replied, "a hippo"

 -Little t earlier today, "mom, I would really like you to pinch my buns!"

 -Me to Little t this morning at breakfast: "It is not okay to pull your sock off of your foot and wipe oatmeal off of the table with it...not okay."

 -Little t is convinced that Baby Z's middle name is Peter. No idea where this came from.

 -A.P. really really likes pad thai (the traditional Thai noodle dish). He ate it often while we were in Thailand. One day during lunch he said, "You know, all of these old white guys have it figured out. They come here and marry a Thai lady and then she can cook them pad thai every day. How great would that be, to get fat off of pad thai...so great."

 -A.P. also really likes pilau (the local traditional rice dish). Last night during his second meal of pilau for the day he said, "I wonder how many years it will be before I am that old man who takes a plastic bag to weddings to take all of the leftover pilau home to eat? Not long at the rate I am going!" This morning when he was really sick, he agreed that he might postpone such pilau gluttony for a while.

 -During a conversation the other day about a local co-worker it came up that he comes from an important family but he himself isn't so important because he is the son of the fourth wife. We decided to make that our new insult, "you son of the fourth wife!"

 - Conversation that happens every day when Little t comes home from preschool. I ask how his day was and he says, “dreat! (great) I didn’t have any time outs and I got a piece of candy!”

 And lastly: - Usually Little t isn't interested in pra.ying at the dinner table unless he is in a good mood. He is usually in a good mood when he comes home from preschool. The other day he started to pray - in a very fervent voice he began, "thank you God for the Lord!" I cracked up...and blamed it on Baby Zar. He is such a funny little stinker.

 And let's be honest...you all would rather see pictures of my cute kiddos than read crazy stories. So here are a few...

On Turtle Beach in Thailand. Little t was in heaven

Peas....Yum!

     

Unclenching My Fists

That face speaks all kinds of defiance, frustration and anger.  A word doesn’t even need to be uttered in order for the message to come across loud and clear, “I do not like not getting my way. I don’t want to listen and obey!”  The fists ball up in a last ditch effort to keep hold of something; dignity, control, voice. 

My first thought when I recall this scene is, “oh that three year old of mine. He is a passionate little bugger!  There he goes, making sure he can still exert what little control he has!” 

My mental chiding comes to a halt when I realize I am looking in the mirror and not at a picture of my son with his tousled hair and blue/green eyes.  My eyes drop to the ground at the realization that I am the one whose fists have been balled up for quite a while now. I have defiance written all over my face as I stand before my Heavenly Father, the Creator of the Universe and the God of all. 

I could take you through all of the excuses I have for why I am at this place in life, but they are only that, excuses. Granted, like Little t, they hold weight and I like to camp on them as a way to grasp for straws and make my argument seem right. But when it all comes down to it, I have taken a lot of what isn’t mine: a desire for control, fear and worry about the future, the right to make decisions in my life, justification of selfishness. 

I know in the back of my head that I am better off with God in charge, but my three year old self kicks in and oooohhhhh, it is so hard to let go! 

Because letting go means unclinching my fists. It means giving up what little say I feel I have in things. It means giving up those two or three things that aren’t really productive ways to spend my time, but I really like them. It means stopping to play with my kids instead of working on my agenda and trying to actually get something done for once. It means thinking about others before myself.  It means stepping out in faith when everything in me wants to put on the breaks and sit down and cry.

My society, and my human heart and mind tells me I am entitled to making my own decisions, taking time to myself no matter who needs me then, having hobbies or obsessions that are destructve to living simply and my pocketbook.  It tells me that I deserve a life that is good and rich and easy. It tells me to grab all I can and hold on tight. The more I grab and the harder I clinch, the happier I will be.

And then Jesus comes along and says, ‘let go.” 

He says these crazy, radical things like, “come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” It isn’t about taking time to ourselves. It’s not about what we can pamper ourselves with, or what we can buy that will help us look put together.  It is about coming to Him tired and broken and frail. It’s about leaving it all at the door and letting Him fill us up with the richess of His goodness and mercy.

 I keep thinking about these verses in John 12: “I tell you the truth, unless a kernal of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.  Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant will also be. My father will honor the one who serves me.”

I want that, but I don’t.  I know what is in clenched fists…ugly stinky stuff that gets caught and festers.   My baby girl’s fists are just now beginning to unclench and turn human. Before that they were a goldmine of lint and dirt and sweat. And if she got a hold of a piece of naan – there was no way anyone could take it away. She would hang on to that ‘treasure’ for dear life! Mine are the same way. That addiction to bags that doesn’t do anyone any good – it needs to go. The adamance that I must have a say in where we go next and what the future holds must be surrendered for the promise that He will guide in good ways when I trust in Him, even when that means I can’t see what is coming next.  My bad attitude toward my kids when they need something at an inconvienent time - shameful. They are my job afterall. More importantly, I so often lose sight of the blessing they are. 

So, this new year is not full of grand resolutions for me. I kinda hang my head in shame to be honest. I just have to admit that I have been less surrendered to God and His good plan for me that I want to be…than I need to be.  My goal of the year is to unclench my fists. To look Him in the face and have Him wash my hands of the things that have been keeping me from surrendering to Him.  I want to lay it down and walk in His ways no matter what.

I know He leads well. I know His plans are best. I long to let Him lead me in good ways as I freely surrender to Him each day.