Grasping the Gift

I wrote this post a week or so before Christmas and then forgot to post it.  It is still relevant...and maybe even more so as we look at the new year ahead.

Christmas is breathing down our necks and we are getting in the Christmas spirit.  We are listening to Christmas music, making cookies, talking about Jes.us’s birthday, etc.

Seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child is fun, but to be honest, I am searching for something bigger this year. 

I feel like it is a point in my life where if I didn’t know the whole story, if I hadn’t read the Bib.le and understood the big picture, I would have trouble rejoicing fully in what this time of year means.  I find myself relating a lot to the disciples or others who struggled to grasp the fullness of Jes.us because the Big Picture wasn’t in full color for them yet. 

Thankfully for me, I DO see the Big Picture and am finding deep joy in that these days.  I am craving victory these days, promises of eternal glory, words of redemption. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death. 

This is the power of Christ in me. 

From life’s first cry to final breath, 

Jesus commands my destiny.

These words have been on repeat in my brain for the last few weeks and I am working

hard to understand them and put them into practice. 

Don’t get me wrong, I understand them perfectly…

Or do I?

I look at my life some days and I am not so sure. I am deeply challenged by those lyrics in these days.

We are at another point of transition in our lives and it is a little exhausting to say the least.  Some days, it seems like it would be easiest just to throw in the towel, to pack up and go home…but even when the temptation is strong, that option doesn’t sit well with me.

And that is where the conflict comes.

I think we are in a sort of grieving process…

Each day that goes by, each hardship that we weather, each relationship we build, makes us fall in love with this place and this life even more.  Some days are doozies, but they leave us profoundly grateful for how God shows His faithfulness. We are continually amazed that He gives us the privilege of joining Him in this work.  We are certain that He is not done with these people and this country, no matter how hopeless it seems and how discouraging the news gets.  Closer to home, we are more and more certain each day that our work in this country is not finished, even though our family is growing, the future seems grim and the road ahead looks impossibly steep at times. 

And you know what?  For as much as I rejoice in that passion and conviction, I also inwardly curse it.

Because it hurts.

It hurts us; it is not easy to deal with poverty and corruption and war and insecurity on a daily basis. It is not easy to deal with the ugliness of life and sin that rears its ugly head in such glaring ways. It is not easy (in some ways) to raise our son in such a challenging environment. It is not easy to try to explain to people back home the passion we have for what God is doing here amongst a people that they usually have already written off as a lost cause.

It hurts our families; they miss us, they worry about us, they miss holidays together, they miss seeing Little t grow up, they hear the news, they get grief from other people, they are stretched.

No guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me.

I find myself guilty a lot. 

Little t grows up far from his grandparents and they miss him terribly. 

We have amazing support from people, but sometimes feel like we have very little tangible progress to show for it and wonder if that causes people to doubt our work as much as we do some days.  

We go home to have a baby and leave behind a very small foreign team that will have to work hard to keep things here afloat.  

We make a decision to not come back to M-ville if no other families are here, putting the project in jeopardy and possibly closing the region.  

We leave to go home and angel khAla is out of work.  

Angel khAla is potentially out of work and will have to marry off her daughter (who desperately doesn’t want to get married) in order to put food on the table. 

So many things weigh heavily on my heart in these days and yet the words of that song play on and on. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death. 

This is the power of Christ in me.

 From life’s first cry to final breath, 

Jesus commands my destiny.

How can I doubt God’s plans? How can I question His ability to lead and guide us to where is best?  How can I feel guilty for the passion and conviction He has given me to work and serve in this place?

 

We are so thankful for united hearts at this time and we both firmly believe that God has us here for now.  This Christmas season, I am grasping the Gift of Hope that comes through Jes.us.  He came as a baby…seemingly innocent and weak. But oh the power that lay in that stable! The grave could not keep Him and that is the power of Christ in me. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death.

This is the power of Christ in me.

 

Those words of Truth are my gift this Christmas season…so timely and profound.  They indeed will set me free.